i woke up this morning to a reminder on my calendar. all it said was "never forget"...instantly i was transported back to two years ago. pretty much, it's been hard to shake those memories all day...
i remember when i set the message..."never forget" was a plea for me to never let myself get to that place again - a state of hopelessness. as tough as i thought it was those three days, in some ways it's been even tougher since. i didn't really talk about it with anyone (surprisingly, not even my therapist). a few people know about the situation, but no one has details. i can barely make sense of what happened, why put that on someone else too? those first few weeks after were strenuous. it felt like i had to relearn how to interact with people, how to live in the "real world." since then, i don't really think about it...but sometimes i'll see, hear, or do something, and memories flood my mind. my response/emotion at the time varies, but it's left walking around, wondering if my forehead says "tainted." wondering if people can see what happened in my eyes. feeling ashamed, weak, damaged. dirty. unworthy...
a big part of me is grateful that i got a second chance, but a smaller yet still ever-present part wonders if that chance is even worth it.
i just wanna know...will i ever truly get past this?
