this was just so heavy on my heart this morning, i had to get it out...
right now, i'd say that i'm in the process of learning how to truly love people...MYSELF, my family, friends, strangers, even God. but all my interactions are beginning to feel so forced...i'm being more honest, but the rest of my life just feels so inauthentic. it makes me not want to hang around anyone. really, i just feel like fading away sometimes. was it all a lie? how do i know which relationships are for real, and which ones weren't? do i keep them all or do i let them go...is it even an all or nothing deal??? this is just one more thing i don't have an answer to...and it's frustrating...disheartening...but more than anything, it's just lonely.
i feel so...not like myself. and idk who i am or who i'm supposed to be......
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
thank you.
as i sit in the library during the final hours of my break before the craziness of the end of the semester kicks in, i felt the usual complaints bubbling to the surface:
"i'm hungry"
"why do i HAVE to study?"
"this is SO unfair, that i'm stuck in the library!"
...you get the picture. every college student has been through the same droning cycle. and trust me, we're good at it...the procrastination makes it flow like second nature. but this time, i stopped myself. it makes no sense for me to complain, cry "woe is me," and blah blah blah because at the end of the day, i still have to do it lol. instead, i chose to reflect on my thanksgiving break.
a few weeks ago i was looking back over my blog...i do that every so often, so i can see how my life has progressed...and let me tell you, it was depressing. some of the events i'd forgotten, while others were still engrained in my mind. since then, one of my prayers has been to God to help me stay mindful of the good times and His many blessings. these past few days definitely count as such! i went to visit family for thanksgiving, and i had such a great time! it started off kinda rocky, because of a whole ordeal with my sister...she ended up not being able to come this year. long story short, i was able to help her have thanksgiving dinner where she was. the biggest news was *drum roll please* I COOKED THANKSGIVING DINNER! and it was phenomenal :-D i can't take all of the credit...i had a great sous chef (i.e. my twin bro!) and the rest of the family made a dish or two as well. but i cooked the turkey!!! in the end, it was nothing super fancy, and really i felt like the meal was just "good," but i had an amazing time with my family. very little disagreements, some great conversations, even some dancing...seriously, it was magical. i ended the night talking to my best friend...we were able to laugh, swap turkey day stories, and just enjoy each other's company. even now, my heart swells just thinking about that day, and how God just blessed all throughout it as He does every day of the year. then the next day we had our annual Turkey Bowl! it was midnight bowling, and even though some of the fam punked out at the end (they were afraid i was going to beat them! hehe), it still was a lot of fun. :-)
in addition to remembering His blessings, i want to make sure i recognize them when they actually happen - basically, to always have God at the forefront of my mind, and to not attribute anything to happenstance, especially when i know He's the one calling all the shots ALL the time. i'm good at seeing the bad in situations...so i'm also praying that i can learn to see the good just as easily! anyways, i got a really good opportunity to practice this towards the end of my break. i was on my way to see The Muppets (don't judge, you know you want to see it too) when my window broke! it didn't shatter...it just wouldn't roll up (it's a power window). not a big deal, except it wouldn't stay up and thus made it really easy for someone to come steal my car haha of course i wasn't a happy camper...i REALLY wanted to see The Muppets. i found myself getting really sad and going into the whole "why does this stuff happen to ME" spiel until something (i believe it was God) caused me to stop and change my thinking. i started wondering what was the good in the situation, and it dawned on me. Not only was i financially able to get it fixed, but they had the part in stock, it would be cheaper than if i had to get it done back at school, AND i was able to get it fixed that evening! not to mention, it didn't break while i was on the highway!!
who knows why i needed to stay in town longer...it could be for the reasons i listed or something else. maybe it was simply for me to learn this lesson. either way, it was an interesting end to an awesome time with family and friends.
and i couldn't be more thankful for that :-)
"i'm hungry"
"why do i HAVE to study?"
"this is SO unfair, that i'm stuck in the library!"
...you get the picture. every college student has been through the same droning cycle. and trust me, we're good at it...the procrastination makes it flow like second nature. but this time, i stopped myself. it makes no sense for me to complain, cry "woe is me," and blah blah blah because at the end of the day, i still have to do it lol. instead, i chose to reflect on my thanksgiving break.
a few weeks ago i was looking back over my blog...i do that every so often, so i can see how my life has progressed...and let me tell you, it was depressing. some of the events i'd forgotten, while others were still engrained in my mind. since then, one of my prayers has been to God to help me stay mindful of the good times and His many blessings. these past few days definitely count as such! i went to visit family for thanksgiving, and i had such a great time! it started off kinda rocky, because of a whole ordeal with my sister...she ended up not being able to come this year. long story short, i was able to help her have thanksgiving dinner where she was. the biggest news was *drum roll please* I COOKED THANKSGIVING DINNER! and it was phenomenal :-D i can't take all of the credit...i had a great sous chef (i.e. my twin bro!) and the rest of the family made a dish or two as well. but i cooked the turkey!!! in the end, it was nothing super fancy, and really i felt like the meal was just "good," but i had an amazing time with my family. very little disagreements, some great conversations, even some dancing...seriously, it was magical. i ended the night talking to my best friend...we were able to laugh, swap turkey day stories, and just enjoy each other's company. even now, my heart swells just thinking about that day, and how God just blessed all throughout it as He does every day of the year. then the next day we had our annual Turkey Bowl! it was midnight bowling, and even though some of the fam punked out at the end (they were afraid i was going to beat them! hehe), it still was a lot of fun. :-)
in addition to remembering His blessings, i want to make sure i recognize them when they actually happen - basically, to always have God at the forefront of my mind, and to not attribute anything to happenstance, especially when i know He's the one calling all the shots ALL the time. i'm good at seeing the bad in situations...so i'm also praying that i can learn to see the good just as easily! anyways, i got a really good opportunity to practice this towards the end of my break. i was on my way to see The Muppets (don't judge, you know you want to see it too) when my window broke! it didn't shatter...it just wouldn't roll up (it's a power window). not a big deal, except it wouldn't stay up and thus made it really easy for someone to come steal my car haha of course i wasn't a happy camper...i REALLY wanted to see The Muppets. i found myself getting really sad and going into the whole "why does this stuff happen to ME" spiel until something (i believe it was God) caused me to stop and change my thinking. i started wondering what was the good in the situation, and it dawned on me. Not only was i financially able to get it fixed, but they had the part in stock, it would be cheaper than if i had to get it done back at school, AND i was able to get it fixed that evening! not to mention, it didn't break while i was on the highway!!
who knows why i needed to stay in town longer...it could be for the reasons i listed or something else. maybe it was simply for me to learn this lesson. either way, it was an interesting end to an awesome time with family and friends.
and i couldn't be more thankful for that :-)
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