spinning on your axis.

last night i came home, really discouraged...
especially because i thought i'd be done struggling with a certain issue.
but, clearly, i'm not.
and i couldn't help but think about some things...
am i really ready to let this go? what would that look like?
what would that mean for me?
am i holding myself back from being free???

then, like good humans do, i switched the blame to God.
i couldn't help but think that He'd never answer my prayer...
how unfair it feels to still be struggling.
Lord, you can perform miracles at the snap of a finger...why am i stuck here?!

yet, then i was reminded of some previous situations...times where i felt like i'd NEVER be free, NEVER be over it.
but look at me now...sure, it's another situation. that's life. however, those other problems...those "insurmountable" obstacles...i got passed them. so, the same will be the case for this one.


moral:
God moves...He definitely answers prayers.
sometimes it may not be what you want to hear.
and other times, it may be instantaneous.
but most of the time...you just have to be still enough to feel the shift.

hands clean.

"Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime"

for some reason...today, after how many times i've heard Alanis sing this...it reminds me of you.
idk why.
it reminds me of us. a torture i keep returning to.
i hurt you, i hurt myself. now we both have to live with the scars.
it takes everything in my power to not reach out again, just to pull back.
'cause i can't. i won't.
it got messy. then i washed my hands clean of it.
of you.
i regret the chosen path, but not the decision.
that still doesn't keep me from seeing you everywhere...

"We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"

"Hands Clean"

it's rarely a great day for ice cream.

i really like my job at the ice cream shop.
no, really...i do.
i figured out why...
it gives me a break from thinking really. i'm not in charge, i'm not the leader...i just follow. and i'm ok with that.

but here's the problem...(there's always a problem, it seems like)
i get home, and i'm exhausted. or i have hw that i never do. or i miss hang outs with friends, and now they're asleep.
but the biggest problem of all is that, when it's all said and done...i come home to an empty house, with barely enough money to cover gas.

why am i working this job?

the more i weight my options, the more i think about quitting. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the opportunity. ppl would kill to have a job right now. but i have another one. and i still have to take out loans anyways...why run myself crazy if i STILL have to borrow money?

neways, i feel that decision is practically made.

*sigh* i'm so lonely...i just want someone to hold at night, someone to be there for me all the time. when am i gonna start my own romance...??? :'(

operation clutter-free: day 1

how am i feeling right now? ...like my life is too complicated, too overwhelming to actually live it.

...that's kinda crazy, right?

i'm trying to breathe, trying to remain calm but this task seriously seems impossible!!! *sigh*

even still, i did the activities for chapter 1. i guess that's why i'm overwhelmed. i didn't know my life had so many aspects to it. anyone who says they're not that interesting or complicated is lying to you. simply breaking down my organization goals into 7 sections was eye-opening enough! i can't even imagine expanding the goals list to include other areas of my life...

Lord, what did i get myself into?

chaos under wraps.

so, anybody that knows me...basically, anybody who's ever been to my house lol...knows that K. Riley is not the neatest person in the world.

...(boy, is that an understatement)...

but quite frankly, i'm tired of the clutter. "a cluttered mind is a cluttered space." i believe that with every fiber of my being. i've prayed about it, and i believe God does answer prayers about stuff like this...but i think that He gave me a brain to realize that i need to start making some strides to working on this problem.

it's not the devil...he doesn't have me bound...
though, it definitely feels like it!
and i'm sure he has something to do with it too.

i just...i can't do it anymore. i've missed so many great opportunities this year, not even counting years in the past.
i shouldn't dread coming home, and only wanna sleep when i get here.
i shouldn't avoid home altogether b/c i can't stand being here.
i shouldn't cringe when people want to come visit...

i have dreams of having dinner parties, entertaining ppl, or just hanging out. and i wanna do all those things at MY place. no one elses. above all, i just wanna feel at home in my own home...

so i got The Complete Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. yea...in a short 400 pages, i shall be organized. i'm going to do a chapter a day, and hopefully get this ridiculous problem under control.

pray for me.
cry with me.
cheer me on.

Lord, be my strength! here we go...

fake.

at first, i just thought she was being stupid...but it didn't really bother me.
yet, little things kept coming up. i realized that she was intentionally avoiding me...
and that pissed me off!
now all i wanna do is vent, but NO ONE is responding to me. all i want is for someone to LISTEN.

...so often we blow people off or just assume that we know what they have to say.

funny how things come full circle. when the same thing happened to me at the hands of the same party, i couldn't understand how she could be acting so crazy. yet, i'm sitting here...fuming...struggling to not do the same thing.

we all just want to be heard. take the time to listen to someone before they don't want to say what they wanted to. and it's probably something you need to hear...

things aren't always what they seem.

i should be asleep lol. actually, i was well on my way...
ok, not really.
but i was lying in bed.
all the while, just thinking...
i thought about how often we react to a situation and we don't know the whole story. even still, we wish we had the whole story...but wouldn't that alter our reality? would it really make things better, or just further complicate things...???

i contemplated this...as i still am...and i'm reminded of a particular experience.
one of my friends mentioned that she'd prayed for me during a specific time period. (this was a while back)
within a week, her prayers were answered. what she didn't know was that yea, a change did occur (thus providing her with an answer to her prayer). but what she didn't know about was the hell i had to go through to get to that point, that "answered prayer."

...all you see is the outcome (most times). you never really get to see "the process". or, if you do see or are experiencing "the process," you don't get to see how that affects someone else.

imagine if she hadn't listened to God...disobeying Him not only affects you. it affects those around you, those in constant contact with you, those you love.

moral of this rambling: only God will ever see the Big Picture.
why wouldn't you just trust Him to guide you in life?