gloves aren't the only things in glove compartments.

i am not an organized person.
never have been. not sure if i ever will be...but that's another blog for another time.
even still, it's rare that i misplace things of significant importance...
[yea, i didn't even believe that when i wrote it]

ok, so i inherited a car a few months ago, and for those of you who don't know...like i didn't...you have to get the title switched to your name and blah blah blah. i did all that, then forgot to check for it in the mail. long story short...7 months later...i'm semi-frantic over not having it in my ridiculously junky apt. then after weeks of searching, between me and mom, she finds it in her glove compartment on a whim. i was worried, but i wasn't overly concerned. frankly, i'd made up in my mind to just buy another one (tho i was dreading dishing out 80 big ones for it :-/)

what's the point of all this? honestly, it's been a rough week for me. on top of a rough year! spiritually, i've been all over the place...not sure if i'm coming or going, believing or doubting. i know a lot of stuff ABOUT God. but i don't know Him. and that makes it hard to believe what He says. it makes it difficult to trust that when He promises me something, He'll deliver. to you, an envelope in a locked glove box is just that--an envelope that was misplaced, and now is found. but to me, it was a small eraser. and, for now, it has only erased a glimmer of doubt in my mind about who God is and what i mean to Him. yet, He took the time to fix something so small, so insignificant on the grand scheme of things. He cares so much about the small stuff, that He can only care a million times more about the large stuff too.

and that speaks volumes above the doubt screaming in my head.

thank You. :-)

who knew?

it took me two hours (and one very special cup of orange juice) to get my blood pressure back to normal.
my racing thoughts are another story.
what is the cause of this? a near-death experience?
no, my friends...though flashbacks were awfully close.
actually, this was class.
yea, i said it...class.

like the majority of my classes, meaning all of them, involve self-reflection. i can't bring myself to do it. so many instances in my past tell me that human beings can't be trusted. the walls i put up keep me safe, even if they keep me from truly making connections. everything in my body says run away. fast. the urge has never been greater. this trapped feeling is torture, and i still have months left in this class.

but i want to get better. authenticity intrigues me. most importantly, i want to be free.
to trust.
to live.
to love.

sorry i'm all over the place. just another day and time in the life and mind of a wounded healer.

habit.

"hey, how are you?"
"i'm fine."

how often is this the opening to the number of dialogues you have each day? for me, the latter response is used far more often than i actually mean it.

is the same true for you?

after having a conversation with a "friend" (friend is in quotation marks because i'm currently exploring what friendship truly means to me, thus i'm evaluating those relationships as well), i realize how often i tell these lies. lies like "i'm fine" when sometimes, i'm not. not trusting, not disclosing, not being vulnerable...in any relationship, when you can't do any of those things...or when you methodically choose not to engage in any of those things...they become living lies. i've done it so much, that the lies escape my lips long before my mind can say "no! do it differently this time."

my mind keeps whispering, "this person isn't like the last," hinting that maybe, just maybe, i can put hand on the burner and it wasn't left on. yet, the moment comes and i run from the kitchen before i get anywhere near the stove...


still, as cold and as calculated as i can be--when it comes to discussing my feelings--i think about how my actions continuously push people away. i know they do...i know it frustrates all of my friends. above all, it scares me. i'm so worried about being hurt first, that i don't get people a chance to show me that they won't (INTENTIONALLY) hurt me. it comes off as stiff, emotion-less cognitions when in reality, it scares me...to think that i'll keep pushing people away and they'll finally realize that i'm not worth them pushing back......

what do you do with a girl who doesn't see she's worth it?