habit.

"hey, how are you?"
"i'm fine."

how often is this the opening to the number of dialogues you have each day? for me, the latter response is used far more often than i actually mean it.

is the same true for you?

after having a conversation with a "friend" (friend is in quotation marks because i'm currently exploring what friendship truly means to me, thus i'm evaluating those relationships as well), i realize how often i tell these lies. lies like "i'm fine" when sometimes, i'm not. not trusting, not disclosing, not being vulnerable...in any relationship, when you can't do any of those things...or when you methodically choose not to engage in any of those things...they become living lies. i've done it so much, that the lies escape my lips long before my mind can say "no! do it differently this time."

my mind keeps whispering, "this person isn't like the last," hinting that maybe, just maybe, i can put hand on the burner and it wasn't left on. yet, the moment comes and i run from the kitchen before i get anywhere near the stove...


still, as cold and as calculated as i can be--when it comes to discussing my feelings--i think about how my actions continuously push people away. i know they do...i know it frustrates all of my friends. above all, it scares me. i'm so worried about being hurt first, that i don't get people a chance to show me that they won't (INTENTIONALLY) hurt me. it comes off as stiff, emotion-less cognitions when in reality, it scares me...to think that i'll keep pushing people away and they'll finally realize that i'm not worth them pushing back......

what do you do with a girl who doesn't see she's worth it?