it's never a right time...

as the semester draws to a close, i'm as stressed as ever. it seems like no matter what i try to do to prepare for this inevitable moment, i never seem to avoid this final bout of anxiety.

for us counselors-in-training, the end of the semester doesn't just mean taking a final exam or writing a final paper. no no, my friends. it also means we have to complete a culminating activity. counselors believe in closure or achieving proper termination whenever possible...so what better way to prepare for our clients than by having us participate in the same activity? sounds easy enough, right?

so totally and completely wrong.
at least for me, it is.

i never really thought about this before my professor asked us to think about how we will say good-bye next week. well, it never really resonated with me like it is now. but i'm not very good at saying good-bye. as a matter of fact, i'm horrible at it! thinking back on past relationships, if ever i had to end one, i usually just stopped talking to the person...just cutting them from my life with out explanation. come to think of it, the first time i ever really had to say good-bye...and it really counted...was last year around this time.

Pop Pop. it seems unreal that he is no longer with us, with my family. and every day i drive around in Norman (my car), a constant reminder of this. some days it's ok...i feel him, and it's a comfort. but other days, like today, it brings me to tears because i miss so much. and i know the rest of my family does too. even still, i'm thankful God allowed me to say good-bye to my Pop Pop before he died. i almost didn't hug him before leaving...he was swollen, couldn't really talk, and just didn't look like the grandpa i knew. but something...the Holy Spirit...spoke to me and with tears in my eyes i leaned down, kissed him, and said whispered "good-bye, Pop Pop."

...nevertheless, this was the first of a chain of painful good-byes. i had to say good-bye to my therapist. then my boss, who helped me through a really tough time. i've had enough good-byes this year to last me a lifetime it seems...

my professor told us this evening that saying good-bye means that you were originally present somewhere. that may seem obvious, but look deeper. what that really means is that you made a connection at some point in time, and now you have to break that bond. that what scares me. i don't want the pain associated with breaking a bond.

now do you understand why i put up a wall? i know people can't get close, but it keeps the pain out...

"so many painful thoughts travel through my mind, and i wonder how i would make it through this time. but i'll trust You. Lord, it's not easy. sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem far away..." ~I Trust You by: James Fortune

taboo.

i love playing games. i love winning even more.
some would say i'm a bit competitive.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
so naturally, as i was playing taboo last night with some of my friends...and my team was losing...i got kinda upset.
a little.
sorta.
ok, i was practically one buzz away from flipping the coffee table.
the crazy thing is, i knew i was being ridiculous. i knew i was acting like a baby. but those realizations weren't strong enough to shake my funky mood. it was so obvious, i was being so aggressive, and the worse i could make people feel the better i felt.
i'm ashamed just thinking about it...
so i leave once the games are over, and though i tried not to be this way, i left as a grumpy, sore loser. fast forward to this morning, i wake up with so much shame. i thought if i just went to sleep, i'd feel better. but i just felt so convicted about the way i acted last night. even as i get ready for church, while i'm driving, while i'm actually sitting in church, a number of feelings are just weighing my spirit down.
shame.
guilt.
frustration.
annoyance.
more shame.
anger.
Lord, what IS this?! this is definitely not the first time i've gotten outta hand with my competitiveness. but this is DEFINITELY the first time i've felt so bad about it! i felt so pitiful for sitting in church feeling this way, so i said a small prayer...

"Lord, do something to help me. get me out of this funk."

the next song that comes on is "Trading My Sorrows." there's one part in the song that says, "you might not feel it but you say it, until you come into agreement. yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord..." i sing the words, all the while i'm thinking "Lord, i don't feel any better, but i'm gonna keep saying, thinking, and believing this until i do." needless to say, i did end up feeling better...not all the feelings i felt when i first got there. but soon after, God rocked my world with a message on pride.

my pastor's sermon this morning came from James 4:6-10. the essence of it was summed up by the 10th verse: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. " therefore, being prideful gets you in trouble. at first, i was like this has nothing to do with me. i know i'm good at some stuff (like academics and what not), but i definitely didn't consider myself to be prideful. but my pastor showed us how the Word defines pride. he cites the story in Daniel of Nebuchadnezzar. he has this dream, gets Daniel to interpret it...basically Daniel points out that the dream means Neb was being prideful because of how successful his kingdom was and that God didn't like it. so basically, pride is when you put yourself above others or God.

"A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." ~C.S. Lewis

so then my pastor starts naming modern scenarios that exhibit pride...this really hit home for me. pride envies, keeps record of wrong, and pride even means being distrustful. with all of those things, you either want something because you think you deserve it more than the other person OR you don't trust someone because if you do trust them, you'll probably get hurt by them. if you get hurt, you'll look foolish. so you avoid getting hurt (i.e. you distrust ppl)...because your PRIDE doesn't want you to look foolish.

really, God?! seriously, i was blown away...no lie, my pastor explained pride like that and so much more. i was just sitting in church like, wow...it's all so clear now...

even know, as i think about the sermon, this new perspective gives me a greater urgency to start being more open, honest, and trusting with people. something i've been struggling with for as long as i remember...but definitely a lot this year. i realize even more how difficult it's going to be. i hate feeling vunerable, but that's only because i don't wanna look stupid for getting played by someone...AGAIN.

but being humble...letting go of my pride about being wrong, being stupid, being hurt...is the only way God can truly help me.

what a frustrating irony...*sigh* i'm still a work in progress, people. lol
stay tuned.

for colored girls.

moving.

i'm sure that's not the response most ppl had leaving the theater tonight, as opening night closed on Tyler Perry's "For Colored Girls." but that's what it did for me.

i wanna write.
i wanna inspire.
i feel it. brewing...churning...growing. just waiting for me to open up and let my words free. why do i continue to sit here and die when i have so much LIFE left in my voice...?

moreover, TP did an awesome job of intertwining his creative license with Ntozake Shange's poems.

beautiful.