it's never a right time...

as the semester draws to a close, i'm as stressed as ever. it seems like no matter what i try to do to prepare for this inevitable moment, i never seem to avoid this final bout of anxiety.

for us counselors-in-training, the end of the semester doesn't just mean taking a final exam or writing a final paper. no no, my friends. it also means we have to complete a culminating activity. counselors believe in closure or achieving proper termination whenever possible...so what better way to prepare for our clients than by having us participate in the same activity? sounds easy enough, right?

so totally and completely wrong.
at least for me, it is.

i never really thought about this before my professor asked us to think about how we will say good-bye next week. well, it never really resonated with me like it is now. but i'm not very good at saying good-bye. as a matter of fact, i'm horrible at it! thinking back on past relationships, if ever i had to end one, i usually just stopped talking to the person...just cutting them from my life with out explanation. come to think of it, the first time i ever really had to say good-bye...and it really counted...was last year around this time.

Pop Pop. it seems unreal that he is no longer with us, with my family. and every day i drive around in Norman (my car), a constant reminder of this. some days it's ok...i feel him, and it's a comfort. but other days, like today, it brings me to tears because i miss so much. and i know the rest of my family does too. even still, i'm thankful God allowed me to say good-bye to my Pop Pop before he died. i almost didn't hug him before leaving...he was swollen, couldn't really talk, and just didn't look like the grandpa i knew. but something...the Holy Spirit...spoke to me and with tears in my eyes i leaned down, kissed him, and said whispered "good-bye, Pop Pop."

...nevertheless, this was the first of a chain of painful good-byes. i had to say good-bye to my therapist. then my boss, who helped me through a really tough time. i've had enough good-byes this year to last me a lifetime it seems...

my professor told us this evening that saying good-bye means that you were originally present somewhere. that may seem obvious, but look deeper. what that really means is that you made a connection at some point in time, and now you have to break that bond. that what scares me. i don't want the pain associated with breaking a bond.

now do you understand why i put up a wall? i know people can't get close, but it keeps the pain out...

"so many painful thoughts travel through my mind, and i wonder how i would make it through this time. but i'll trust You. Lord, it's not easy. sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem far away..." ~I Trust You by: James Fortune