taboo.

i love playing games. i love winning even more.
some would say i'm a bit competitive.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
so naturally, as i was playing taboo last night with some of my friends...and my team was losing...i got kinda upset.
a little.
sorta.
ok, i was practically one buzz away from flipping the coffee table.
the crazy thing is, i knew i was being ridiculous. i knew i was acting like a baby. but those realizations weren't strong enough to shake my funky mood. it was so obvious, i was being so aggressive, and the worse i could make people feel the better i felt.
i'm ashamed just thinking about it...
so i leave once the games are over, and though i tried not to be this way, i left as a grumpy, sore loser. fast forward to this morning, i wake up with so much shame. i thought if i just went to sleep, i'd feel better. but i just felt so convicted about the way i acted last night. even as i get ready for church, while i'm driving, while i'm actually sitting in church, a number of feelings are just weighing my spirit down.
shame.
guilt.
frustration.
annoyance.
more shame.
anger.
Lord, what IS this?! this is definitely not the first time i've gotten outta hand with my competitiveness. but this is DEFINITELY the first time i've felt so bad about it! i felt so pitiful for sitting in church feeling this way, so i said a small prayer...

"Lord, do something to help me. get me out of this funk."

the next song that comes on is "Trading My Sorrows." there's one part in the song that says, "you might not feel it but you say it, until you come into agreement. yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord..." i sing the words, all the while i'm thinking "Lord, i don't feel any better, but i'm gonna keep saying, thinking, and believing this until i do." needless to say, i did end up feeling better...not all the feelings i felt when i first got there. but soon after, God rocked my world with a message on pride.

my pastor's sermon this morning came from James 4:6-10. the essence of it was summed up by the 10th verse: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. " therefore, being prideful gets you in trouble. at first, i was like this has nothing to do with me. i know i'm good at some stuff (like academics and what not), but i definitely didn't consider myself to be prideful. but my pastor showed us how the Word defines pride. he cites the story in Daniel of Nebuchadnezzar. he has this dream, gets Daniel to interpret it...basically Daniel points out that the dream means Neb was being prideful because of how successful his kingdom was and that God didn't like it. so basically, pride is when you put yourself above others or God.

"A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." ~C.S. Lewis

so then my pastor starts naming modern scenarios that exhibit pride...this really hit home for me. pride envies, keeps record of wrong, and pride even means being distrustful. with all of those things, you either want something because you think you deserve it more than the other person OR you don't trust someone because if you do trust them, you'll probably get hurt by them. if you get hurt, you'll look foolish. so you avoid getting hurt (i.e. you distrust ppl)...because your PRIDE doesn't want you to look foolish.

really, God?! seriously, i was blown away...no lie, my pastor explained pride like that and so much more. i was just sitting in church like, wow...it's all so clear now...

even know, as i think about the sermon, this new perspective gives me a greater urgency to start being more open, honest, and trusting with people. something i've been struggling with for as long as i remember...but definitely a lot this year. i realize even more how difficult it's going to be. i hate feeling vunerable, but that's only because i don't wanna look stupid for getting played by someone...AGAIN.

but being humble...letting go of my pride about being wrong, being stupid, being hurt...is the only way God can truly help me.

what a frustrating irony...*sigh* i'm still a work in progress, people. lol
stay tuned.