as i parked my car and began walking towards a long night of studying (better known as the library), i got this overwhelmingly feeling that i was walking but i was lost and would never reach my destination. now, of course, this was figurative b/c i've walked to the library a million times and tonight was no different...i sit in the library now.
yet i felt this way intensely in the figurative sense. i feel this way now. before grad school, i had clear goals in mind. my future planned out at least 10 years forward. mind you, it was somewhat off track (like how i'm not married to my 7th grade crush lol)...but i could see ahead, no problem. this is different. i feel like i'm working and working towards something that i'm not sure even exists.
...this doesn't apply just to my future occupation, but in many areas of my life...like my love life. it's no surprise to me that this is plaguing my mind currently. aside from not wanting to study, it's also the eve of a day entirely devoted to showering your significant other with your undying, unconditional love. it's suffocating. i can't talk to anyone, b/c i just keep hearing "oh, it's better to be single...at least you haven't had to deal with break-ups." yea, being too unattractive is not as bad as just getting hooked up with the wrong guy. right...
so where does that leave me? oh yea, living vicariously through the rest of the world. celebrities. my classmates. even my own family. when will it be my turn??? over and over in my head i keep playing this chorus..."delight in me". and each time it brings tears to soul. i want God to be proud of what i'm doing, where my life is headed. my family too. but just as much, i wanna share this life WITH someone. not be doomed to walk it alone forever. i just can't see it...idk if any of it will ever be true.
i can't make promises for tomorrow, but at least for now...the pity party won't start. back to the books.
"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
No comments:
Post a Comment