in the past, i'd often regret some of the things i shared with people. not because they were mean or hurtful (at least not usually), but because i was concerned with how people would perceive me after they heard what i had to say. usually it led to me avoiding them once i "confessed" something or me just not revealing anything personal ever.
that hadn't happened in a while...of course, until today. when i was considering whether or not to divulge certain information to a friend of mine, something told me not to. but in my head i was thinking, "oh, it'll be fine right...she can handle this..."
...yea, i think i got this one wrong big time.
i'm not sure if she "freaked out" (because i told her via text), but based on her response i'm sure it wasn't far off. that's when all the regret and paranoia kicked in. and no, it wasn't the healthy dose either. i rehearsed the regret over and over in my head so much and so quickly that i was working myself up into a panic! "will this change our friendship?" "what is she thinking?" "crap! i should have never said anything! why do i keep doing this?!" you get the point, right? it all went downhill from there...i found myself back to how i used to feel all the time. some of the same messages kept coming back up...you can't trust anyone to be there for you...you're too messed up...no one cares and no one ever will...
what's the point of all this? honestly...i'm not too sure. part of me wishes for someone to really understand me yet it seems like when i think i've found that person, something ends up happening and i realize that the unconditional support isn't there. in my mind i know that's too much to ask of anyone...but the desire never goes away. it leaves me wondering if we can ever really truly be transparent with anyone. i mean, i always thought that true intimacy, connection, love, etc. could only occur if people know everything about you. can you truly be an honest person if there are still parts to you that no one knows about? i obviously don't expect to have an answer to this anytime soon...but i'm putting it out there.
more and more i'm finding out that God is really the only one who you can fully lean on and rely on. that's cool...i guess...but where does that leave me here on Earth? how do i navigate relationships with imperfect people (myself included) with a perfect image as my guide?
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