whyamihere?

one of the classes i'm taking this semester is developmental counseling. basically, it involves looking at what counseling looks like for different developmental periods (at least that's what i think it's about lol...still trying to see the point). well, we're currently looking at infancy and childhood. yesterday we visited the neonatal unit of our local hospital. this was probably a bigger deal for me than most of my classmates, because i was actually born in the neonatal unit at that same hospital.

that's me. 2 lbs, 12 oz. growing up, i heard the stories, saw some of the pics. but being in the unit...walking around and seeing all of the wires, the machines, the precious, fragile babies...it made it real. i realized how much we take life for granted, how much I'VE taken life for granted, and how God had been with me and my family from the beginning. it was such a humbling experience...

God not only brought me here but He decided to KEEP me here...i overcame great obstacles early in life, and if you looked at me now, you'd never believe that i ever needed modern medicine to keep me alive. the more this sunk in, the heavier my soul got. God clearly wanted me here...but for what?

more times than i care to think about, i wonder why He even bothered. each day, that question rings louder and louder for me...why am i here? especially with graduation looming over my head. my program hasn't met my expectations; that makes me question if i'm in the right field. i'm disappointed in myself for numerous things, but mainly because i'm graduating in 6 months and i still feel like i'm back where i was my senior year of college -- unsure and unprepared. every task feels like another cliff i have to scale. it takes everything in me to get out of bed. a friend of mine even asked me what i was passionate about. i'm sure she meant well, but that question cut me deep. it's a question i wish i could answer...and it kills me that i can't. it feels like i'm living someone else's life, that i don't know who i am, what i want, or where i'm supposed to be. so many people around me do though...even if they don't have it all figured out, they still know something. me? i'm just trying to breath and i can't seem to get enough oxygen. no one's going to understand that. i don't even think anyone wants to hear that...not from me. on the outside, my life's great. i shouldn't even be having these issues. trust me, there isn't anything i haven't said to myself that others could say. i have no reason to feel the way i do...and i hate myself for it. HATE.

in my first (and last) session with a counselor this week, she told me "you know...maybe you just need to survive right now. maybe thriving isn't an option for you." i struggle with this...i wanted to fight this thought, this idea. but i had nothing lift in me to fight it...

i can't even say i'm numb...i'd welcome it with open arms...i feel a lot of different emotions. i just wish happy was one of them.