release.

i think today was the first day i missed you. at least, a different kind of miss. the desire to call you up or send you a text wasn't fueled by the need to fill an aching void. it wasn't fueled by my hurt or my incessant tears--tears that never seemed to run dry, and could be sparked by the simplest gesture, word, or reminder. it wasn't even fueled by bitterness or hatred--because i felt that too. this time...i just genuinely missed you. i think about where you are, what you're doing, how God is working in your life. there are new things and awesome changes i wish i could share with you but then i remember... there weren't any sobs to the heavens for understanding. no anguish delivered in rage-filled cries. i won't lie, i miss you friend... all i can do is pray that one day we can revive our friendship, as new people, poised to sustain the love that i know never went away. maybe at first it was good-bye... now i hope it's "see you later."

still.

I fought You for so long,
I should have let You in.
Oh, how we regret those things we do...
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin...
But so were You.

So were You.

Relient K ~ Be My Escape

i'll never let you go.

"I won't give you more, more than you can take.
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break.
No - I'll never ever let you go..."

...don't you forget what He said.

He Said ~ Group 1 Crew feat. Chris August

TMI.

in the past, i'd often regret some of the things i shared with people. not because they were mean or hurtful (at least not usually), but because i was concerned with how people would perceive me after they heard what i had to say. usually it led to me avoiding them once i "confessed" something or me just not revealing anything personal ever.

that hadn't happened in a while...of course, until today. when i was considering whether or not to divulge certain information to a friend of mine, something told me not to. but in my head i was thinking, "oh, it'll be fine right...she can handle this..."

...yea, i think i got this one wrong big time.

i'm not sure if she "freaked out" (because i told her via text), but based on her response i'm sure it wasn't far off. that's when all the regret and paranoia kicked in. and no, it wasn't the healthy dose either. i rehearsed the regret over and over in my head so much and so quickly that i was working myself up into a panic! "will this change our friendship?" "what is she thinking?" "crap! i should have never said anything! why do i keep doing this?!" you get the point, right? it all went downhill from there...i found myself back to how i used to feel all the time. some of the same messages kept coming back up...you can't trust anyone to be there for you...you're too messed up...no one cares and no one ever will...

what's the point of all this? honestly...i'm not too sure. part of me wishes for someone to really understand me yet it seems like when i think i've found that person, something ends up happening and i realize that the unconditional support isn't there. in my mind i know that's too much to ask of anyone...but the desire never goes away. it leaves me wondering if we can ever really truly be transparent with anyone. i mean, i always thought that true intimacy, connection, love, etc. could only occur if people know everything about you. can you truly be an honest person if there are still parts to you that no one knows about? i obviously don't expect to have an answer to this anytime soon...but i'm putting it out there.

more and more i'm finding out that God is really the only one who you can fully lean on and rely on. that's cool...i guess...but where does that leave me here on Earth? how do i navigate relationships with imperfect people (myself included) with a perfect image as my guide?

whyamihere?

one of the classes i'm taking this semester is developmental counseling. basically, it involves looking at what counseling looks like for different developmental periods (at least that's what i think it's about lol...still trying to see the point). well, we're currently looking at infancy and childhood. yesterday we visited the neonatal unit of our local hospital. this was probably a bigger deal for me than most of my classmates, because i was actually born in the neonatal unit at that same hospital.

that's me. 2 lbs, 12 oz. growing up, i heard the stories, saw some of the pics. but being in the unit...walking around and seeing all of the wires, the machines, the precious, fragile babies...it made it real. i realized how much we take life for granted, how much I'VE taken life for granted, and how God had been with me and my family from the beginning. it was such a humbling experience...

God not only brought me here but He decided to KEEP me here...i overcame great obstacles early in life, and if you looked at me now, you'd never believe that i ever needed modern medicine to keep me alive. the more this sunk in, the heavier my soul got. God clearly wanted me here...but for what?

more times than i care to think about, i wonder why He even bothered. each day, that question rings louder and louder for me...why am i here? especially with graduation looming over my head. my program hasn't met my expectations; that makes me question if i'm in the right field. i'm disappointed in myself for numerous things, but mainly because i'm graduating in 6 months and i still feel like i'm back where i was my senior year of college -- unsure and unprepared. every task feels like another cliff i have to scale. it takes everything in me to get out of bed. a friend of mine even asked me what i was passionate about. i'm sure she meant well, but that question cut me deep. it's a question i wish i could answer...and it kills me that i can't. it feels like i'm living someone else's life, that i don't know who i am, what i want, or where i'm supposed to be. so many people around me do though...even if they don't have it all figured out, they still know something. me? i'm just trying to breath and i can't seem to get enough oxygen. no one's going to understand that. i don't even think anyone wants to hear that...not from me. on the outside, my life's great. i shouldn't even be having these issues. trust me, there isn't anything i haven't said to myself that others could say. i have no reason to feel the way i do...and i hate myself for it. HATE.

in my first (and last) session with a counselor this week, she told me "you know...maybe you just need to survive right now. maybe thriving isn't an option for you." i struggle with this...i wanted to fight this thought, this idea. but i had nothing lift in me to fight it...

i can't even say i'm numb...i'd welcome it with open arms...i feel a lot of different emotions. i just wish happy was one of them.

will i ever forget?

i woke up this morning to a reminder on my calendar. all it said was "never forget"...instantly i was transported back to two years ago. pretty much, it's been hard to shake those memories all day...

i remember when i set the message..."never forget" was a plea for me to never let myself get to that place again - a state of hopelessness. as tough as i thought it was those three days, in some ways it's been even tougher since. i didn't really talk about it with anyone (surprisingly, not even my therapist). a few people know about the situation, but no one has details. i can barely make sense of what happened, why put that on someone else too? those first few weeks after were strenuous. it felt like i had to relearn how to interact with people, how to live in the "real world." since then, i don't really think about it...but sometimes i'll see, hear, or do something, and memories flood my mind. my response/emotion at the time varies, but it's left walking around, wondering if my forehead says "tainted." wondering if people can see what happened in my eyes. feeling ashamed, weak, damaged. dirty. unworthy...

a big part of me is grateful that i got a second chance, but a smaller yet still ever-present part wonders if that chance is even worth it.

i just wanna know...will i ever truly get past this?

is this what "best" feels like?

how did I become so obnoxious?
what is it with you that makes me act like this?
i've never been this nasty...

"Plese Don't Leave Me"