one of the libraries on campus has moving bookshelves.
fancy, i know.
so, after nearly crushing a girl and her bf while looking for a book, i realized that my mind was not focused on anything academic.
[not sure why the safety/motion detector thingy--yes, i said thingy--didn't trigger the shelf to stop moving...weird.]
ever since i left church today, i've just been thinking about the sermon and how much it was directed at me. it was on how much power the tongue has. you know, how "life and death is in the power of the tongue." in the name of being honest, being real, or venting, i've said some negative things about a lot of people. which, looking back, i used those reasons to disguise my real one...getting even. honestly, it really sucks when someone does something bad to you or hurts you, and (it seems like) nothing happens to them because of it. but now i realize how much power i have to change the outcome of situations like that. even if i feel the need to "be honest," i need to do it out of love. meaning, if i can say what i need to say in a way that will begin the healing process for our interaction with each other, than i can say it. but if i don't, then i need to be quiet.
clearly easier said than done. but it's what i need to do, as a follower of Christ. i hate that when i look at my life, it looks exactly like someone who doesn't believe in God. that means others definitely don't see a difference either! :-/
gossiping falls under this too. this will be the hardest thing to stop b/c i have a good, juicy secret! lol i wish i was kidding, but i'm so nosy! even more so, you have to stop putting yourself down too. i know i do that a lot...probably a million times a day almost. in spite of my faults and mistakes, i know there are still a lot of good qualities...i just have a hard time thinking of what they are...this is another thing i need to work on.
[the sermon should be posted here soon...]
lately, i feel like God's been trying to tell me that i need someone who i can confide in spiritually. that i need someone to hold me accountable on this journey to becoming more like him. honestly, i don't know who that is or who it should be...reflecting on my past, i have rarely been a good judge of character. so i feel helpless with this decision because i need to move forward, but idk what direction to take.
Lord, order my steps.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
for whom the [wedding] bell tolls.
so, i just got back from a wedding. if you don't know this about me, i LOVE weddings! i watch like as many bridal shows as i can lol but i rarely get to actually attend a wedding. it was really nice...not too long, good timing with everything...very classy. it was an elegant way to spend my Saturday :-) plus, i got to do a mini-road trip with my fav buddy, Talia! i tried to tell her this in the car, but let's face it...when it comes to me expressing my own feelings, i stink horribly at it :-/ anywho, i love hanging around her...she's cool, uses awesome words like mamashank (yep, go ahead and google it lol)...she's just a fun person to be around. her and her family too. yet even more so, i find it so easy to talk to her...it's crazy how i don't find myself wanting to stay guarded around her. how i don't feel so defensive, how i don't feel like fighting or hiding. it's...easy......
ok, i know all relationships take work, and i know there will be problems. but lately i've been looking at some of my friendships or interactions with people i know. and they just require so much effort...i feel so judged all the time, or like i'm a project to be accomplished [like, "oh, it's hard for K to trust so let me work extra hard for her to trust me and then i'll be crowned greatest friend ever"]. some work is required, on both parts, but it shouldn't take so much out of me. it shouldn't have to be so hard... i don't get that heartache with her. she...makes it ok to be me.
part of me is like, wait a sec...this is too good to be true. and sometimes, i feel that part taking over. but then she'll do something and that part goes away. she makes me believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. that's refreshing, and most definitely gives me hope about future relationships/friendships...
:-)
ok, i know all relationships take work, and i know there will be problems. but lately i've been looking at some of my friendships or interactions with people i know. and they just require so much effort...i feel so judged all the time, or like i'm a project to be accomplished [like, "oh, it's hard for K to trust so let me work extra hard for her to trust me and then i'll be crowned greatest friend ever"]. some work is required, on both parts, but it shouldn't take so much out of me. it shouldn't have to be so hard... i don't get that heartache with her. she...makes it ok to be me.
part of me is like, wait a sec...this is too good to be true. and sometimes, i feel that part taking over. but then she'll do something and that part goes away. she makes me believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. that's refreshing, and most definitely gives me hope about future relationships/friendships...
:-)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
ex-facebook fanatic.
so, i don't miss facebook all that much. but i do miss the creativity that bloomed when it was time for me to update my status. here's to status updates that shall never be forgotten...enjoy :-)
(1) writes l♥ve on her arm to erase the hate of one's self. she writes l♥ve because they need help...too.
[in honor of To Write Love On Her Arms...]
(2) man, watching this BTM on P!nk...her songs were windows to my soul during a dark time in my life. Lord, in this new life, this new walk, grant me a connection greater than that!
(3)i won't lie...my MC course was the bain of my existence throughout this semester. yet now...in this moment...i'm convinced that it all happened for a reason. and the heart-wrenching authenticity displayed only served to further reaffirm my love of Counselor Ed. i've never felt more connected or loved. harambe ♥
(4)is FINALLY DONE with the ethics paper from you know where. but surprisingly, she enjoyed doing it...and now she feels like crying b/c she's never been more proud of herself or a paper she's written!
(5)tripped during her presentation and got a faceful of carpet as a souvenir. but it's all good because her classmates thought she fainted, and were concerned. LOL!
(6)when do we stop doing and just start being?
(7) {story about a 2-year-old child} me: "hey Poulomi, i haven't seen NiNi in a while...i wonder where she is." Poulomi: "hmm...(said matter-of-factly) maybe she's busy"
(8)random resident/person/friend/everyone NOT in counselor ed: "Kertesha, what are you studying? me: "Marriage & Family Therapy." random person: "are you married?" me: "no..." r.p.: "dating?" me: "...no" r.p.: "how does that work...?"
(9)♫♪ "Sisterhood and service combined makes a woman illustriously divine. Salmon pink and apple green all make a woman sway towards the Alpha Kappa Alpha way. And we're building up to a higher cause. And we get stronger, yes we get stronger." ♫♪ Happy AKAversary, 48 Pearls of Sankofa!
(10)thinks 5 pages does NOT equal a quiz.
(11)"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
(12)can't wait to fall to the upside of things.
(13)wonders if she would regret sleeping through the rest of her life...
(14)is pretty sure she would fail if she were going to school to get her MRS.
(15)...it's bittersweet, this reality.
(16)learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
[thanks P!nk :-P]
(17)say what? they're not shaking hands at graduation because of H1N1?!
[this was at my bro's graduation...they made an announcement and everything!]
(18)was queen of the dance floor tonight. her feet said so.
(19)life is not for the timid.
[my theories professor said this one]
(20)"responsibility: when your social life hits a dead end." looks like K. Riley will be playing the grad student role tonight. :-(
(21)nothing says romance like chicken tenders.
[great commercial!]
(22)on 3.30.1917, God created such a wonderful grandpa for me. instead of me remembering his death, i choose to celebrate his life. you will be missed, Pop Pop. ♥
(1) writes l♥ve on her arm to erase the hate of one's self. she writes l♥ve because they need help...too.
[in honor of To Write Love On Her Arms...]
(2) man, watching this BTM on P!nk...her songs were windows to my soul during a dark time in my life. Lord, in this new life, this new walk, grant me a connection greater than that!
(3)i won't lie...my MC course was the bain of my existence throughout this semester. yet now...in this moment...i'm convinced that it all happened for a reason. and the heart-wrenching authenticity displayed only served to further reaffirm my love of Counselor Ed. i've never felt more connected or loved. harambe ♥
(4)is FINALLY DONE with the ethics paper from you know where. but surprisingly, she enjoyed doing it...and now she feels like crying b/c she's never been more proud of herself or a paper she's written!
(5)tripped during her presentation and got a faceful of carpet as a souvenir. but it's all good because her classmates thought she fainted, and were concerned. LOL!
(6)when do we stop doing and just start being?
(7) {story about a 2-year-old child} me: "hey Poulomi, i haven't seen NiNi in a while...i wonder where she is." Poulomi: "hmm...(said matter-of-factly) maybe she's busy"
(8)random resident/person/friend/everyone NOT in counselor ed: "Kertesha, what are you studying? me: "Marriage & Family Therapy." random person: "are you married?" me: "no..." r.p.: "dating?" me: "...no" r.p.: "how does that work...?"
(9)♫♪ "Sisterhood and service combined makes a woman illustriously divine. Salmon pink and apple green all make a woman sway towards the Alpha Kappa Alpha way. And we're building up to a higher cause. And we get stronger, yes we get stronger." ♫♪ Happy AKAversary, 48 Pearls of Sankofa!
(10)thinks 5 pages does NOT equal a quiz.
(11)"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
(12)can't wait to fall to the upside of things.
(13)wonders if she would regret sleeping through the rest of her life...
(14)is pretty sure she would fail if she were going to school to get her MRS.
(15)...it's bittersweet, this reality.
(16)learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
[thanks P!nk :-P]
(17)say what? they're not shaking hands at graduation because of H1N1?!
[this was at my bro's graduation...they made an announcement and everything!]
(18)was queen of the dance floor tonight. her feet said so.
(19)life is not for the timid.
[my theories professor said this one]
(20)"responsibility: when your social life hits a dead end." looks like K. Riley will be playing the grad student role tonight. :-(
(21)nothing says romance like chicken tenders.
[great commercial!]
(22)on 3.30.1917, God created such a wonderful grandpa for me. instead of me remembering his death, i choose to celebrate his life. you will be missed, Pop Pop. ♥
Thursday, October 7, 2010
it's kind of a funny story.
tonight i decided to go to the movies. by myself. trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds lol. i actually enjoy going to the movies by myself sometimes...it frees you up to respond to a movie the way you really want to--whether that's loving it, hating it, or somewhere in the middle...
anyways, the movie (it's the title of this blog if you haven't caught on :-P) really got me to thinking about my life, my priorities, the things i focus on, etc. past experiences haven't necessarily left me "better," just a lot more aware of what's going in my head. to be honest, that's really been sucking a lot lately. it's like, ok now i know what's wrong, but i still don't know how to fix it! i find myself always so wound tight. i can't seem to fully relax around ppl...only a few friends of mine. i just...idk...i feel like i constantly have to defend myself, defend my thoughts...actions...feelings. and all i want is to be okay being me. all the time. even when ppl disagree with me, i wanna feel like my world won't cave in and i'll never be friends with them again. [someone...anybody...please tell me how to get there!]
...at times, i'm content with the way my life is. i've had ups and downs, but overall it's been a really fun ride. then i talk to someone, and my world shatters because they ALWAYS describe some story that i wish belonged to me. like tonight...i went to visit a friend, and we talked about a lot of stuff. what sticks out now...like it did at the time...was the story she told of this guy she met. details put aside, that's exactly what i want. let me explain...i never ever EVER have any story of any substance when it comes to my life. basically, cool things happen to me at work or at school...neither of which is really all that cool. at least not to the ppl i talk to regularly. what this really boils down to, and i hate to admit it like this but the hour has me feeling open and honest, is that i want a guy story. is that so much to ask for??? i guess i'm just tired of being the one ppl talk to ABOUT stuff like this and not the one who gets to do the talking.
*sigh* why does it always have to be about guys...
but back to the movie. it really got me thinking about writing and taking some serious steps to get published. i don't know what those steps will look like exactly haha but i plan to start with weekly (and hopefully, eventually daily) writing. i used to think i didn't have anything to write worth reading. but in the end, it's for me...
writing's my process, the process that helps me cope with the things i can't change.
it gives me the strength the change the things i can.
and it comforts me as i struggle to determine the difference.
anyways, the movie (it's the title of this blog if you haven't caught on :-P) really got me to thinking about my life, my priorities, the things i focus on, etc. past experiences haven't necessarily left me "better," just a lot more aware of what's going in my head. to be honest, that's really been sucking a lot lately. it's like, ok now i know what's wrong, but i still don't know how to fix it! i find myself always so wound tight. i can't seem to fully relax around ppl...only a few friends of mine. i just...idk...i feel like i constantly have to defend myself, defend my thoughts...actions...feelings. and all i want is to be okay being me. all the time. even when ppl disagree with me, i wanna feel like my world won't cave in and i'll never be friends with them again. [someone...anybody...please tell me how to get there!]
...at times, i'm content with the way my life is. i've had ups and downs, but overall it's been a really fun ride. then i talk to someone, and my world shatters because they ALWAYS describe some story that i wish belonged to me. like tonight...i went to visit a friend, and we talked about a lot of stuff. what sticks out now...like it did at the time...was the story she told of this guy she met. details put aside, that's exactly what i want. let me explain...i never ever EVER have any story of any substance when it comes to my life. basically, cool things happen to me at work or at school...neither of which is really all that cool. at least not to the ppl i talk to regularly. what this really boils down to, and i hate to admit it like this but the hour has me feeling open and honest, is that i want a guy story. is that so much to ask for??? i guess i'm just tired of being the one ppl talk to ABOUT stuff like this and not the one who gets to do the talking.
*sigh* why does it always have to be about guys...
but back to the movie. it really got me thinking about writing and taking some serious steps to get published. i don't know what those steps will look like exactly haha but i plan to start with weekly (and hopefully, eventually daily) writing. i used to think i didn't have anything to write worth reading. but in the end, it's for me...
writing's my process, the process that helps me cope with the things i can't change.
it gives me the strength the change the things i can.
and it comforts me as i struggle to determine the difference.
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