life and death.

one of the libraries on campus has moving bookshelves.
fancy, i know.
so, after nearly crushing a girl and her bf while looking for a book, i realized that my mind was not focused on anything academic.
[not sure why the safety/motion detector thingy--yes, i said thingy--didn't trigger the shelf to stop moving...weird.]

ever since i left church today, i've just been thinking about the sermon and how much it was directed at me. it was on how much power the tongue has. you know, how "life and death is in the power of the tongue." in the name of being honest, being real, or venting, i've said some negative things about a lot of people. which, looking back, i used those reasons to disguise my real one...getting even. honestly, it really sucks when someone does something bad to you or hurts you, and (it seems like) nothing happens to them because of it. but now i realize how much power i have to change the outcome of situations like that. even if i feel the need to "be honest," i need to do it out of love. meaning, if i can say what i need to say in a way that will begin the healing process for our interaction with each other, than i can say it. but if i don't, then i need to be quiet.

clearly easier said than done. but it's what i need to do, as a follower of Christ. i hate that when i look at my life, it looks exactly like someone who doesn't believe in God. that means others definitely don't see a difference either! :-/

gossiping falls under this too. this will be the hardest thing to stop b/c i have a good, juicy secret! lol i wish i was kidding, but i'm so nosy! even more so, you have to stop putting yourself down too. i know i do that a lot...probably a million times a day almost. in spite of my faults and mistakes, i know there are still a lot of good qualities...i just have a hard time thinking of what they are...this is another thing i need to work on.

[the sermon should be posted here soon...]

lately, i feel like God's been trying to tell me that i need someone who i can confide in spiritually. that i need someone to hold me accountable on this journey to becoming more like him. honestly, i don't know who that is or who it should be...reflecting on my past, i have rarely been a good judge of character. so i feel helpless with this decision because i need to move forward, but idk what direction to take.

Lord, order my steps.