tonight i decided to go to the movies. by myself. trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds lol. i actually enjoy going to the movies by myself sometimes...it frees you up to respond to a movie the way you really want to--whether that's loving it, hating it, or somewhere in the middle...
anyways, the movie (it's the title of this blog if you haven't caught on :-P) really got me to thinking about my life, my priorities, the things i focus on, etc. past experiences haven't necessarily left me "better," just a lot more aware of what's going in my head. to be honest, that's really been sucking a lot lately. it's like, ok now i know what's wrong, but i still don't know how to fix it! i find myself always so wound tight. i can't seem to fully relax around ppl...only a few friends of mine. i just...idk...i feel like i constantly have to defend myself, defend my thoughts...actions...feelings. and all i want is to be okay being me. all the time. even when ppl disagree with me, i wanna feel like my world won't cave in and i'll never be friends with them again. [someone...anybody...please tell me how to get there!]
...at times, i'm content with the way my life is. i've had ups and downs, but overall it's been a really fun ride. then i talk to someone, and my world shatters because they ALWAYS describe some story that i wish belonged to me. like tonight...i went to visit a friend, and we talked about a lot of stuff. what sticks out now...like it did at the time...was the story she told of this guy she met. details put aside, that's exactly what i want. let me explain...i never ever EVER have any story of any substance when it comes to my life. basically, cool things happen to me at work or at school...neither of which is really all that cool. at least not to the ppl i talk to regularly. what this really boils down to, and i hate to admit it like this but the hour has me feeling open and honest, is that i want a guy story. is that so much to ask for??? i guess i'm just tired of being the one ppl talk to ABOUT stuff like this and not the one who gets to do the talking.
*sigh* why does it always have to be about guys...
but back to the movie. it really got me thinking about writing and taking some serious steps to get published. i don't know what those steps will look like exactly haha but i plan to start with weekly (and hopefully, eventually daily) writing. i used to think i didn't have anything to write worth reading. but in the end, it's for me...
writing's my process, the process that helps me cope with the things i can't change.
it gives me the strength the change the things i can.
and it comforts me as i struggle to determine the difference.
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