when will my story have a bright side? that i don't have to look back over old blogs or through filled journals, down a memory lane cratered with potholes and loose gravel?
when do i get my happy "ending?"
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
coming undone.
it's weird to be going through this process while slowly becoming aware of what's going on. i've known for a while about a number of my "addictions," but the greatest of them all seems to be approval. i run to other people--especially my friends--about any- and everything. about what i should do, eat, wear, whatever. i chase the world's standard of excellence just to prove myself successful for people i barely even care about. yet i never once consult God. until things go wrong, or at least after i've tried to fix them and that hasn't worked. my self-esteem, my worth, and my feelings are attached to everything but what matters: who I am in Christ. stuff like my "addictions," but i'm also learning that it can be good things too...service, school/work, best friends, working out. take your pick.
basically, if He's not number 1, whatever is before Him is an idol (i.e. very very bad). in these last couple of weeks He's been ripping each and every one of those idols away. literally, that's exactly how it feels...if my soul could bleed, i'd be dead. that should be a good thing, right? except, it's just left me in a very empty, life-draining place.
i know this is for the best, that i'll be better off in the long run...at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself, hoping that it'll ease some of this pain. there's just a lot of doubt...and even more loneliness. Lord, i've never known loneliness like this before (and i pray i get all the necessary lessons so i never have to again). i wish i had someone to talk to, but even if there was someone, i don't know that i could or would say anything.
i don't know how i'm going to make it through this...this...cleansing. or this semester. i'm not even sure how i'm going to make it through tomorrow. i find myself having to rely on God more and more each day.
...and i have a hunch that He wants it that way.
basically, if He's not number 1, whatever is before Him is an idol (i.e. very very bad). in these last couple of weeks He's been ripping each and every one of those idols away. literally, that's exactly how it feels...if my soul could bleed, i'd be dead. that should be a good thing, right? except, it's just left me in a very empty, life-draining place.
i know this is for the best, that i'll be better off in the long run...at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself, hoping that it'll ease some of this pain. there's just a lot of doubt...and even more loneliness. Lord, i've never known loneliness like this before (and i pray i get all the necessary lessons so i never have to again). i wish i had someone to talk to, but even if there was someone, i don't know that i could or would say anything.
i don't know how i'm going to make it through this...this...cleansing. or this semester. i'm not even sure how i'm going to make it through tomorrow. i find myself having to rely on God more and more each day.
...and i have a hunch that He wants it that way.
Friday, October 14, 2011
speechless.
over these last few months, i would say i've become pretty good at throwing pity parties. not my proudest moment, but a fact nonetheless...
it's been a pretty rough week, so a "woe is me" fest was inevitable...tonight just ended up being the lucky winner. after my laptop froze, followed by a number of computer malfunctions at the library, i was pushed over the edge and full-on pity broke loose! for me, it takes many forms; blame (at God, and anyone else in the line of fire) and depression made an appearance. not being able to snap myself out of my funk (and i needed to, because my presentation is in the morning!), i called my bestie for some motivation. in actuality, i was just hoping she'd feel sorry for me and join the pity party. boy was i wrong!
she basically called me out on my stuff! like, i know i have this crazy obsession with being liked by everybody, being seen as very intelligent, and needing to be perfect (i.e. never make a mistake). in this scenario, i have this imagine of me being a super counselor, and never needing help with anything or struggling with a client, and blah blah blah (you get my point). i never really thought of it as an ego trip. but that's exactly what it was...what it's always been. i've been approaching all of my counseling training with the mindset of "how much training can i acquire;" "what skills can i master;" etc. at the end of the day, instead of looking to God to guide me in each and every one of my sessions, i was focused on me and what i could do for my clients. ultimately, it all boils down to my incessant need for control. i still have no idea where that came from...but essentially, me stressing and worrying about every single thing i say and do as a counselor is saying that God isn't big enough or powerful enough to make those things work out for good. every time i sought praise or glory for anything (def as a counseling student), it has been because i wanted the approval of my peers and my professors/supervisors--not because i was allowing God to work through me, then giving Him the glory for working it out. it snatched control out of His hands and put it right back into mine. that always seems like the best thing to do, yet for some reason it never works... :-/
man, i wasn't even trying to get that kind of mental beatdown tonight...but it was what i NEEDED to hear...
the more my friend talked, the more i couldn't speak. i'm sure at that point my friend thought i was weird for texting her what was going on for me. but literally, i could not say a word. it wasn't because i didn't think i couldn't speak. it felt more like an act of reverence. i felt such a strong presence (i'm assuming it was God), that all i could do was just speaking. even "noise" in my head that had been plaguing me all night stopped too. surprisingly enough though, there was no guilt, no shame, no condemnation with it. that's what usually happens when i feel convicted by a Word from God. but honestly, it was more God just placed His hand over my mouth! lol like God was saying, "Kertesha, please be quiet so you can actually hear Me for once!"
i thought all of the "noise" that's been clouding my mind lately was just Satan trying to mess me up (don't get me wrong, it definitely was him too), or that even when i was praying about the "noise," that the praying was a good thing. but now i realize that it may have just added to the "noise," and not really done me any good at all. over and over my prayer has been "Lord, speak to me"... followed by my griping and complaining about not being able to hear Him...
this has definitely been eye-opening for me. it still feels like i'm just getting more and more rules to follow, but no explanation on how actually do any of them! but, for now, the main thing i'm hoping to get out of this experience is that i become more aware of when i need to speak and when i need to just shut my mouth lol.
it's been a pretty rough week, so a "woe is me" fest was inevitable...tonight just ended up being the lucky winner. after my laptop froze, followed by a number of computer malfunctions at the library, i was pushed over the edge and full-on pity broke loose! for me, it takes many forms; blame (at God, and anyone else in the line of fire) and depression made an appearance. not being able to snap myself out of my funk (and i needed to, because my presentation is in the morning!), i called my bestie for some motivation. in actuality, i was just hoping she'd feel sorry for me and join the pity party. boy was i wrong!
she basically called me out on my stuff! like, i know i have this crazy obsession with being liked by everybody, being seen as very intelligent, and needing to be perfect (i.e. never make a mistake). in this scenario, i have this imagine of me being a super counselor, and never needing help with anything or struggling with a client, and blah blah blah (you get my point). i never really thought of it as an ego trip. but that's exactly what it was...what it's always been. i've been approaching all of my counseling training with the mindset of "how much training can i acquire;" "what skills can i master;" etc. at the end of the day, instead of looking to God to guide me in each and every one of my sessions, i was focused on me and what i could do for my clients. ultimately, it all boils down to my incessant need for control. i still have no idea where that came from...but essentially, me stressing and worrying about every single thing i say and do as a counselor is saying that God isn't big enough or powerful enough to make those things work out for good. every time i sought praise or glory for anything (def as a counseling student), it has been because i wanted the approval of my peers and my professors/supervisors--not because i was allowing God to work through me, then giving Him the glory for working it out. it snatched control out of His hands and put it right back into mine. that always seems like the best thing to do, yet for some reason it never works... :-/
man, i wasn't even trying to get that kind of mental beatdown tonight...but it was what i NEEDED to hear...
the more my friend talked, the more i couldn't speak. i'm sure at that point my friend thought i was weird for texting her what was going on for me. but literally, i could not say a word. it wasn't because i didn't think i couldn't speak. it felt more like an act of reverence. i felt such a strong presence (i'm assuming it was God), that all i could do was just speaking. even "noise" in my head that had been plaguing me all night stopped too. surprisingly enough though, there was no guilt, no shame, no condemnation with it. that's what usually happens when i feel convicted by a Word from God. but honestly, it was more God just placed His hand over my mouth! lol like God was saying, "Kertesha, please be quiet so you can actually hear Me for once!"
i thought all of the "noise" that's been clouding my mind lately was just Satan trying to mess me up (don't get me wrong, it definitely was him too), or that even when i was praying about the "noise," that the praying was a good thing. but now i realize that it may have just added to the "noise," and not really done me any good at all. over and over my prayer has been "Lord, speak to me"... followed by my griping and complaining about not being able to hear Him...
this has definitely been eye-opening for me. it still feels like i'm just getting more and more rules to follow, but no explanation on how actually do any of them! but, for now, the main thing i'm hoping to get out of this experience is that i become more aware of when i need to speak and when i need to just shut my mouth lol.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
security blanket.
it's been a very slow start on this new journey of me working on a deeper relationship with God. i mean, "tortoise and the hare" type slow. it's killing me!!! and at times it feels like that literally :-/ God's been showing me some things this week...and i'm so grateful for that because i was really desperate for something, ANYTHING (good) to hold onto. i really needed to know that He was hearing my plea to hear from Him, and He came through right when i needed Him the most. Yet, this morning when i was doing some reading, my attention kept drifting to a number of things--i sum them up as being a "super Christian." i found myself thinking about people i think of as being super in tune with God, who read their bibles like 25 hours a day, people who are so nice, never seem to be sad or depressed (and even when they are, they STILL can praise God). that's not me...it's never been me...and i feel like that's evidence of how i've failed every single test God has ever put me through. now, in my head, i realize that no human can be perfect...but it doesn't really stop me from believing that i can strive for it. i stopped reading my bible for a moment, and this came to me: the reason i work so hard to be perfect (or at least hold myself to that standard) is because i'm trying to be "good enough" to erase my past mistakes. this might be a duuuuhhhhhhhhhh moment for you, but for me it was disheartening. it seems like an endless cycle that i keep coming back to, and that constant reminder keeps catapulting me back into the cycle! it was interesting because this was something that had come up for me 2 other times in the past week! AND from 2 different/unrelated sources, nonetheless. so often i seek perfection (whether that's in school, at work, in my spiritual work, in relationships, etc.), and either i don't do anything because i'm afraid to be wrong, or i beat myself up when i make a mistake. i'm never able to be happy, content, or truly enjoy the present because it never lives up to the image of perfection i'm chasing after.
needless to say, i was close to beating myself up once again. then i remembered a scripture i read earlier in the week--Ephesians 2:8-9. Basically it says that we're saved through faith in Him, and that there isn't anything we can do for it; it's purely a gift from God. so why am i working for something that's already been given to me???
...i wasn't aware that i'd been living in so much bondage. i mean, i knew about some of it...but i had no clue how deep it ran. on some level, i still feel like there's more to be uncovered! :-/ it's so daunting, so draining...no wonder i dissociate so much (zone out). but that's something else i'm praying about too. i can't work on/get help on a problem if i'm not fully aware of what it is or i don't stay present long enough to actually do the work. that's partly what i did in the scenario from earlier...i literally have to stop myself, say out loud "i realize that i'm thinking about _______, but right now i'm focusing on __________ and can't think about that right now." it's easy to just clock out, but i don't want easy anymore. it's only made things worse to some degree...
which brings up something else for me. i'm starting to not want to interact with people. i love reading and understanding God through His word, and i want more time to do that. but even more so, hanging around my friends, other Christians, non-believers...EVERYBODY...makes me anxious. :-/ i'm afraid to mis-apply what i'm learning, or tell someone something that's wrong, or just getting mixed up all over again (like undoing everything that i working on when i'm by myself). sounds like the perfection kicking in again? yea...that's what i thought......
with all that said (i know it was a mouthful! lol), and as slow as this walk is going (i'm probably not even walking yet...i think i'm just starting to crawl), i'm choosing to go at the pace God is leading me. i'm choosing to trust that i'm where i need to be, and even though my faith is small, it's still faith. and therefore i'm saved, i'm a new person in Christ, and He loves me unconditionally!
needless to say, i was close to beating myself up once again. then i remembered a scripture i read earlier in the week--Ephesians 2:8-9. Basically it says that we're saved through faith in Him, and that there isn't anything we can do for it; it's purely a gift from God. so why am i working for something that's already been given to me???
...i wasn't aware that i'd been living in so much bondage. i mean, i knew about some of it...but i had no clue how deep it ran. on some level, i still feel like there's more to be uncovered! :-/ it's so daunting, so draining...no wonder i dissociate so much (zone out). but that's something else i'm praying about too. i can't work on/get help on a problem if i'm not fully aware of what it is or i don't stay present long enough to actually do the work. that's partly what i did in the scenario from earlier...i literally have to stop myself, say out loud "i realize that i'm thinking about _______, but right now i'm focusing on __________ and can't think about that right now." it's easy to just clock out, but i don't want easy anymore. it's only made things worse to some degree...
which brings up something else for me. i'm starting to not want to interact with people. i love reading and understanding God through His word, and i want more time to do that. but even more so, hanging around my friends, other Christians, non-believers...EVERYBODY...makes me anxious. :-/ i'm afraid to mis-apply what i'm learning, or tell someone something that's wrong, or just getting mixed up all over again (like undoing everything that i working on when i'm by myself). sounds like the perfection kicking in again? yea...that's what i thought......
with all that said (i know it was a mouthful! lol), and as slow as this walk is going (i'm probably not even walking yet...i think i'm just starting to crawl), i'm choosing to go at the pace God is leading me. i'm choosing to trust that i'm where i need to be, and even though my faith is small, it's still faith. and therefore i'm saved, i'm a new person in Christ, and He loves me unconditionally!
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