it's been a very slow start on this new journey of me working on a deeper relationship with God. i mean, "tortoise and the hare" type slow. it's killing me!!! and at times it feels like that literally :-/ God's been showing me some things this week...and i'm so grateful for that because i was really desperate for something, ANYTHING (good) to hold onto. i really needed to know that He was hearing my plea to hear from Him, and He came through right when i needed Him the most. Yet, this morning when i was doing some reading, my attention kept drifting to a number of things--i sum them up as being a "super Christian." i found myself thinking about people i think of as being super in tune with God, who read their bibles like 25 hours a day, people who are so nice, never seem to be sad or depressed (and even when they are, they STILL can praise God). that's not me...it's never been me...and i feel like that's evidence of how i've failed every single test God has ever put me through. now, in my head, i realize that no human can be perfect...but it doesn't really stop me from believing that i can strive for it. i stopped reading my bible for a moment, and this came to me: the reason i work so hard to be perfect (or at least hold myself to that standard) is because i'm trying to be "good enough" to erase my past mistakes. this might be a duuuuhhhhhhhhhh moment for you, but for me it was disheartening. it seems like an endless cycle that i keep coming back to, and that constant reminder keeps catapulting me back into the cycle! it was interesting because this was something that had come up for me 2 other times in the past week! AND from 2 different/unrelated sources, nonetheless. so often i seek perfection (whether that's in school, at work, in my spiritual work, in relationships, etc.), and either i don't do anything because i'm afraid to be wrong, or i beat myself up when i make a mistake. i'm never able to be happy, content, or truly enjoy the present because it never lives up to the image of perfection i'm chasing after.
needless to say, i was close to beating myself up once again. then i remembered a scripture i read earlier in the week--Ephesians 2:8-9. Basically it says that we're saved through faith in Him, and that there isn't anything we can do for it; it's purely a gift from God. so why am i working for something that's already been given to me???
...i wasn't aware that i'd been living in so much bondage. i mean, i knew about some of it...but i had no clue how deep it ran. on some level, i still feel like there's more to be uncovered! :-/ it's so daunting, so draining...no wonder i dissociate so much (zone out). but that's something else i'm praying about too. i can't work on/get help on a problem if i'm not fully aware of what it is or i don't stay present long enough to actually do the work. that's partly what i did in the scenario from earlier...i literally have to stop myself, say out loud "i realize that i'm thinking about _______, but right now i'm focusing on __________ and can't think about that right now." it's easy to just clock out, but i don't want easy anymore. it's only made things worse to some degree...
which brings up something else for me. i'm starting to not want to interact with people. i love reading and understanding God through His word, and i want more time to do that. but even more so, hanging around my friends, other Christians, non-believers...EVERYBODY...makes me anxious. :-/ i'm afraid to mis-apply what i'm learning, or tell someone something that's wrong, or just getting mixed up all over again (like undoing everything that i working on when i'm by myself). sounds like the perfection kicking in again? yea...that's what i thought......
with all that said (i know it was a mouthful! lol), and as slow as this walk is going (i'm probably not even walking yet...i think i'm just starting to crawl), i'm choosing to go at the pace God is leading me. i'm choosing to trust that i'm where i need to be, and even though my faith is small, it's still faith. and therefore i'm saved, i'm a new person in Christ, and He loves me unconditionally!
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