it's weird to be going through this process while slowly becoming aware of what's going on. i've known for a while about a number of my "addictions," but the greatest of them all seems to be approval. i run to other people--especially my friends--about any- and everything. about what i should do, eat, wear, whatever. i chase the world's standard of excellence just to prove myself successful for people i barely even care about. yet i never once consult God. until things go wrong, or at least after i've tried to fix them and that hasn't worked. my self-esteem, my worth, and my feelings are attached to everything but what matters: who I am in Christ. stuff like my "addictions," but i'm also learning that it can be good things too...service, school/work, best friends, working out. take your pick.
basically, if He's not number 1, whatever is before Him is an idol (i.e. very very bad). in these last couple of weeks He's been ripping each and every one of those idols away. literally, that's exactly how it feels...if my soul could bleed, i'd be dead. that should be a good thing, right? except, it's just left me in a very empty, life-draining place.
i know this is for the best, that i'll be better off in the long run...at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself, hoping that it'll ease some of this pain. there's just a lot of doubt...and even more loneliness. Lord, i've never known loneliness like this before (and i pray i get all the necessary lessons so i never have to again). i wish i had someone to talk to, but even if there was someone, i don't know that i could or would say anything.
i don't know how i'm going to make it through this...this...cleansing. or this semester. i'm not even sure how i'm going to make it through tomorrow. i find myself having to rely on God more and more each day.
...and i have a hunch that He wants it that way.
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