speechless.

over these last few months, i would say i've become pretty good at throwing pity parties. not my proudest moment, but a fact nonetheless...

it's been a pretty rough week, so a "woe is me" fest was inevitable...tonight just ended up being the lucky winner. after my laptop froze, followed by a number of computer malfunctions at the library, i was pushed over the edge and full-on pity broke loose! for me, it takes many forms; blame (at God, and anyone else in the line of fire) and depression made an appearance. not being able to snap myself out of my funk (and i needed to, because my presentation is in the morning!), i called my bestie for some motivation. in actuality, i was just hoping she'd feel sorry for me and join the pity party. boy was i wrong!

she basically called me out on my stuff! like, i know i have this crazy obsession with being liked by everybody, being seen as very intelligent, and needing to be perfect (i.e. never make a mistake). in this scenario, i have this imagine of me being a super counselor, and never needing help with anything or struggling with a client, and blah blah blah (you get my point). i never really thought of it as an ego trip. but that's exactly what it was...what it's always been. i've been approaching all of my counseling training with the mindset of "how much training can i acquire;" "what skills can i master;" etc. at the end of the day, instead of looking to God to guide me in each and every one of my sessions, i was focused on me and what i could do for my clients. ultimately, it all boils down to my incessant need for control. i still have no idea where that came from...but essentially, me stressing and worrying about every single thing i say and do as a counselor is saying that God isn't big enough or powerful enough to make those things work out for good. every time i sought praise or glory for anything (def as a counseling student), it has been because i wanted the approval of my peers and my professors/supervisors--not because i was allowing God to work through me, then giving Him the glory for working it out. it snatched control out of His hands and put it right back into mine. that always seems like the best thing to do, yet for some reason it never works... :-/

man, i wasn't even trying to get that kind of mental beatdown tonight...but it was what i NEEDED to hear...

the more my friend talked, the more i couldn't speak. i'm sure at that point my friend thought i was weird for texting her what was going on for me. but literally, i could not say a word. it wasn't because i didn't think i couldn't speak. it felt more like an act of reverence. i felt such a strong presence (i'm assuming it was God), that all i could do was just speaking. even "noise" in my head that had been plaguing me all night stopped too. surprisingly enough though, there was no guilt, no shame, no condemnation with it. that's what usually happens when i feel convicted by a Word from God. but honestly, it was more God just placed His hand over my mouth! lol like God was saying, "Kertesha, please be quiet so you can actually hear Me for once!"

i thought all of the "noise" that's been clouding my mind lately was just Satan trying to mess me up (don't get me wrong, it definitely was him too), or that even when i was praying about the "noise," that the praying was a good thing. but now i realize that it may have just added to the "noise," and not really done me any good at all. over and over my prayer has been "Lord, speak to me"... followed by my griping and complaining about not being able to hear Him...

this has definitely been eye-opening for me. it still feels like i'm just getting more and more rules to follow, but no explanation on how actually do any of them! but, for now, the main thing i'm hoping to get out of this experience is that i become more aware of when i need to speak and when i need to just shut my mouth lol.