focus.

"if your life makes sense to unbelievers, then you're doing something wrong."

as i was coming back from a lock-out (ahhh, the joys of being on call), i was listening to a nightly segment on the Joy FM called "Focus on the Family." it was near the end of it, but i soon figured out that the guest for tonight was Francis Chan...he's the author of the book i'm reading called Crazy Love.

ok ok, i'll be honest...i haven't opened the book in a while :-/

but, listening to him it definitely made me want to start again. while his talk was about how families should love each other by loving God...idk...it just resonated with me. i'm not the greatest with relationships. no matter the form. and i really struggle with how to love people, b/c honestly i don't think i know how to. yet, God shows us daily...He showed us on the cross...He gives us a template to live by. and it's not just for people we like. it's for everyone. [Lord, do You realize how ridiculously hard that is?! *ughh* some people MAKE you not want to love them...i definitely feel like they do it on purpose too!!! but i digress...]

one thing the host also said made me examine my own walk with God. she called Francis "weird" for how he thought (basically, putting God first in every. little. thing.), but followed up with how she needed to get weird like him.

ditto, my friend. ditto.

i think about how much of my daily life i DON'T hand (back) to God. how the little decisions i decide to handle myself, but when something big comes along..."hey God, You got me right?" yea...somehow i don't think that's goes over well with Him. that's just it...i NEVER have a handle on ANYTHING!!! when i look in the mirror, all i see is an inadequate girl who tries so desperately to make everyone believe she has it all together. in reality, i was only fooling myself...

it's so hard to give up control though. especially when you feel like your problems are WAY too big to ever be fixed.

like...disorganization,
depression,
promiscuity,
low self-esteem,
loneliness,
pride,
we all have a list of our own...

i guess that's where faith comes in. God has made the impossible possible all throughout my life...

why would He fail me now?

'ships and rocky waters.

look at me very closely.
a little closer.
does my forehead read "complicated?"
yes? *sigh* i thought so.
why do i seem to attract people who just make my life complicated???
i can do that on my own!

i prayed for closure on this situation a little while ago. months ago. i was upset over what i feel was an unfortunate miscommunication. but really, aren't all fights simply miscommunications? anyways, my group member/friend and i stopped talking over a group assignment. when you don't talk to someone, and things are left to interpretation, one usually interprets incorrectly. and as a worse-case scenario. so i assumed the worst, felt hurt, turned that into anger, then erased it and the friend from my memory.

nifty, huh?

but way past my point of forgetting, i get a random call. and everything is brought back to the forefront. whhhyyyyyyyy??? couldn't she just have never called back, and then...any time the situation was brought up (if it ever was) or if i saw her again (which i would, since we're in the same program), i would be justified in ignoring her?! so now, the ball's in my court. she's fine with everything...she got everything off her chest. i did too...

sorta.
well, not really.
see, she re-hashed my anger. how dare she treat ME that way? [yea, i said it] and this isn't the first time something like this happened. she's known for her crazed antics, for lack of a better term. how forgiving should one be? am i stupid for considering forgetting all that happened?

how do you know when to keep someone around and when to let them go...for real, this time?

say that you remember.

i've spent most of my day texting ppl (in between working on some research stuff), trying to find someone to hang out with!

...no such luck.

after going to Moe's...and getting free queso, cuz it's free queso day (cha - ching!!!)...i came home to watch a movie. by myself.

ya see, i'm avoiding watch a movie i HAVE to watch for class. it's going to be depressing. my friend already bailed on me in watching it. frankly, i'm not in the mood to watch ppl strung out on drugs. and i'm pretty sure i don't wanna be a substance abuse counselor either.

[just in case you were wondering, my class is on substance abuse. now that we're on the same page...lol]

in the midst of all this, it's dawned on me that i don't like being alone. i like being alone, i just...don't like being alone. hang in there, i'll try to clear it up haha. i'm fine with being alone when i want to be. but when i don't want to be, i find it very hard to entertain myself. if i'm alone, and i don't want to be, i usually spend that time figuring out how NOT to be alone anymore.

sound familiar? oh, i guess not.

anywho, i don't know much about self-esteem, body image, and all that other jazz...but i'm pretty sure that in order to like yourself you should probably like being around yourself. if i may take a moment to be completely honest...i don't really like myself all that much. i haven't for as long as i can remember...

but every so often, i get a glimpse of what that will look like...how it will feel one day to finally accept me for who i am. flaws and all. one of those moments came today...as i danced in my apt to the credits of the movie i just finished.

i felt free, unbridled. not a care in the world. and even though i felt too tall, too fat, too ugly, and too uncoordinated when i started...towards the end, i felt ok.

ok is good. much better than not.

that's how i want to feel all the time, don't you?

i felt that way as i looked out from the top of the Gateway Arch...i was there this past week. idk what i have to do, but Lord...please help me to see me as you do.

it's gotta be...

man, Satan is crafty.
i mean, every day i struggle with living in this world but still following Christ. and trust, that's no easy task...
but today, especially, was a difficult day. i just...idk...kept rehearsing in my head how many times i haven't listened to Him or how many times i've given into my own desires when clearly it wasn't His will for me. so much so, that i eventually gave into one of those desires. and it was crazy, b/c it's not the same for me anymore. i don't get the same pleasure...
i don't even know why i do it anymore. but every time i do it, it kills me because i know how much it's killing Him. it's like every time i do it, i'm putting on a brick on the wall that separates us.

and this is why Satan is crafty. his main weapon against me...ISOLATION.
that's why i wasn't surprised how much i didn't wanna go to BiGroup tonight, why i didn't want to be around other believers. he knows that if i am isolated long enough, i'll end up there again. the place where i convince myself to destroy myself and he doesn't have to do the work anymore...

anyways, i went. the scripture of the night was Daniel 3...you know, the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. and the whole message was basically this: you can't worship two gods...you gotta make a choice. see, what most believers do...i'm definitely guilty of this...we continuously bow down to the idols of this world...
friends.
money.
success.
education.
sex.
beauty.
the list goes on...
when we bow down to these idols, we say "my heart's not in it" like that lie will nullify the act.
it doesn't.
it hasn't.
it never will.
that broke me. and i've been reminded of it, i just chose not to listen. but this time, i couldn't ignore it anymore.

i know God is with me in all this. i just don't know where He wants me to go from here. i realized that it's because i don't know Him like i should. but what i do know is that He loves me. and because of that love, that crazy-love, i don't want my relationship with Him to be one of allegiance.
i don't want to love Him out of fear of what He'll do to me if i don't.
i want to love Him because of what He's already done for me, even if He never does anything for me again.
He saved me from more than i can even put in words right now. if you think back, He's done the same for you too...

that's why, in order for me to stop bowing down to idols, it's gotta be more like falling in love.
with God.

hulu & the friday night.

...i think the title explains it all.
wow...i never realized until now how much time i DON'T spend at home.

and since i don't have facebook (i.e. a cleverly disguised means of stalking ppl), i've been reduced to actually cleaning my apt. for those of you who know me in real life, you know that any time i'm bored and you ask me what i'm doing, the answer will always be "i'm cleaning my apt." yes, take note of that so you can save me next time...

anywho, in my very slow process of cleaning, i came across one of my old poetry journals. it brought back a lot of memories...mainly very dark, depressed, troubled ones...but memories, nonetheless. what it also showed me was how far i've strayed from writing. i used to get in a zone and i wouldn't come out until i was done...and voila, there on those pages would sit my heart beats. the songs of my soul.

man, i miss that feeling so much.
now, instead of letting myself flow, i get lost in the frantics of life. i hate that i let so much stuff suck the creativity out of my life...
i miss how alive i felt.
i crave that freedom again.
i long to hear my voice once more.