it's gotta be...

man, Satan is crafty.
i mean, every day i struggle with living in this world but still following Christ. and trust, that's no easy task...
but today, especially, was a difficult day. i just...idk...kept rehearsing in my head how many times i haven't listened to Him or how many times i've given into my own desires when clearly it wasn't His will for me. so much so, that i eventually gave into one of those desires. and it was crazy, b/c it's not the same for me anymore. i don't get the same pleasure...
i don't even know why i do it anymore. but every time i do it, it kills me because i know how much it's killing Him. it's like every time i do it, i'm putting on a brick on the wall that separates us.

and this is why Satan is crafty. his main weapon against me...ISOLATION.
that's why i wasn't surprised how much i didn't wanna go to BiGroup tonight, why i didn't want to be around other believers. he knows that if i am isolated long enough, i'll end up there again. the place where i convince myself to destroy myself and he doesn't have to do the work anymore...

anyways, i went. the scripture of the night was Daniel 3...you know, the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. and the whole message was basically this: you can't worship two gods...you gotta make a choice. see, what most believers do...i'm definitely guilty of this...we continuously bow down to the idols of this world...
friends.
money.
success.
education.
sex.
beauty.
the list goes on...
when we bow down to these idols, we say "my heart's not in it" like that lie will nullify the act.
it doesn't.
it hasn't.
it never will.
that broke me. and i've been reminded of it, i just chose not to listen. but this time, i couldn't ignore it anymore.

i know God is with me in all this. i just don't know where He wants me to go from here. i realized that it's because i don't know Him like i should. but what i do know is that He loves me. and because of that love, that crazy-love, i don't want my relationship with Him to be one of allegiance.
i don't want to love Him out of fear of what He'll do to me if i don't.
i want to love Him because of what He's already done for me, even if He never does anything for me again.
He saved me from more than i can even put in words right now. if you think back, He's done the same for you too...

that's why, in order for me to stop bowing down to idols, it's gotta be more like falling in love.
with God.