focus.

"if your life makes sense to unbelievers, then you're doing something wrong."

as i was coming back from a lock-out (ahhh, the joys of being on call), i was listening to a nightly segment on the Joy FM called "Focus on the Family." it was near the end of it, but i soon figured out that the guest for tonight was Francis Chan...he's the author of the book i'm reading called Crazy Love.

ok ok, i'll be honest...i haven't opened the book in a while :-/

but, listening to him it definitely made me want to start again. while his talk was about how families should love each other by loving God...idk...it just resonated with me. i'm not the greatest with relationships. no matter the form. and i really struggle with how to love people, b/c honestly i don't think i know how to. yet, God shows us daily...He showed us on the cross...He gives us a template to live by. and it's not just for people we like. it's for everyone. [Lord, do You realize how ridiculously hard that is?! *ughh* some people MAKE you not want to love them...i definitely feel like they do it on purpose too!!! but i digress...]

one thing the host also said made me examine my own walk with God. she called Francis "weird" for how he thought (basically, putting God first in every. little. thing.), but followed up with how she needed to get weird like him.

ditto, my friend. ditto.

i think about how much of my daily life i DON'T hand (back) to God. how the little decisions i decide to handle myself, but when something big comes along..."hey God, You got me right?" yea...somehow i don't think that's goes over well with Him. that's just it...i NEVER have a handle on ANYTHING!!! when i look in the mirror, all i see is an inadequate girl who tries so desperately to make everyone believe she has it all together. in reality, i was only fooling myself...

it's so hard to give up control though. especially when you feel like your problems are WAY too big to ever be fixed.

like...disorganization,
depression,
promiscuity,
low self-esteem,
loneliness,
pride,
we all have a list of our own...

i guess that's where faith comes in. God has made the impossible possible all throughout my life...

why would He fail me now?