blind.

*sigh* this week...i can't even begin to explain how crazy this week as been for me. but that's another blog for another time. i won't be long, but i just felt like i needed to share this...

in the midst of a breakdown like i've never experienced before, i came across Psalm 38. even now, i'm not sure how i even found it...but i'd always heard that you should read your bible when you're going through rough times, for encouragement(and even lately, that's the message i'd been getting from a number of people). so i decided to give it a shot. i mean, it couldn't hurt right?

randomly, i found Psalm 38. and as i began to read it, almost immediately i began crying. after having cried for almost 2 days, i didn't think i had it in me. but, there was something about this psalm from David that really touched. i completely got where he was coming from...it was exactly how i was feeling in that moment, how i had been feeling for so long apparently. idk why, but after reading it, i felt better...not great, just better. it was like all i was looking for was to be understand. to not feel like i was the ONLY person in the world who'd ever felt that way, felt so dirty...not wanting God to be disappointed or hate me...felt like i was beyond help..and just feeling like i was crying out to God about all of this, but in vain.

well, this morning, i happened to come back to it while looking for another verse. my bible has headings throughout the chapters... part way through this psalm (between verses 14 and 15), i saw the phrase "God is not far away." when i read this like maybe a day or 2 ago, i'd completely missed this! that realization made me think about how many other times we miss God because we're looking for so many other things. sometimes it's because we're so busy in life, we just overlook His grace and mercy altogether...but then there are other times that life's circumstances also prevent us from seeing Him, even when He's right next to us.

that's why you have to constantly be seeking Him. trust me, i'm speaking to myself at this point too. i only saw that He was "not too far away" when i actually took time to look around for Him. it's easy to get lost in this world, to get overrun with school, work, life, to feel like you're drowning and that you're too far down to be saved. but it isn't true! make time each day to look for God around you...in the bible, in nature, in other believers, in your circumstances--good or bad. because He's there...just waiting for you to notice.

this could be something that you already know, but i hope it served as a reminder. :-)

am i?

well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
but she can't shake the feeling
that it's not true tonight

she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try

but don't you know who you are?

"You Are More"

unfinished.

i left.
left as fast as my fear could carry me.
not knowing if i'd ever return.
i know you think it's easy for me to turn and run
having done it before, there's really
nothing left to learn
but the pain of not being here still burns
in my chest
at least the void's filled with something right?
and yet, i'm still afraid
that fear takes up even more space inside
and i'm afraid that terror is evident with every blink of my eyes
as the tears stream out, suffocating each breath
my lungs supply
i'm afraid, you see, because i'm unsure of where my loyalty lies
and with all the thoughts
and all the feelings
i'm afraid of being betrayed by what lies inside
my mind
so i left.
and i don't know when i'll be back
as each moment passes i still wonder
did i do good this time,
did i make the right choice?
or am i making things worse for the sake
of gaining my voice...?

autopilot.

i'm getting sucked in...i can't silence the noise...i'm afraid i'm getting lost in the thoughts. when i think about it all, i only get more questions. if i answered the questions, i'd only hurt more...long more...strike out, do more damage...
i wish there was more i could say, or do, or make sense of...but like my friend said, when i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, i'll change.
...i guess i'm not there yet?

all i know how to do is go numb.
it's different this time...i'm okay with it. i know other ways to survive, but this mode seems to be the only one that's working...

i'm holding on, trying to make it to the end...but what exactly is that? or, better yet, will i ever even make it there?

will i want to...???

two steps back.

i can't shake the insanity that's rattling around in my head. the harder i try, the louder it gets. and this time...idk if it's worse...but it's definitely more complex. more confusion. more frustrating. just...more.

it's draining the life out of me, and i have no energy to fight it. how do i pray about this...whatever it is? b/c i have no clue. and if God knows, He hasn't quite clued me in yet. so i don't pray...

i don't understand this...how can i explain it to anyone else??? so i'll just keep silent. and i guess i'll continue to fake it til i make it...or it kills me.

...w/e comes first.

joy in the morning.

i'm not joyful this morning (and no, it's not because i've been up since 4:30am...though i'm sure that didn't help much lol). unfortunately, the answer isn't that simple. this week has been really up and down for me. i know it's probably because i went home this weekend. being around my family always sets me back a few steps. :-/ this time was crazier though...not in content, but in my emotional response. that's really all i'm going to say about it, b/c it's still a touchy subject for me. it just didn't really make sense why i got so riled up by what normally just annoys me. that, coupled with getting started in my clinical work and more conversations with B, has left me feeling so drained, so emotionally spent. it just really seems like the more i try to follow God, the more i'm learning about what it truly means to be a Christian and trying to start living that out in my life, the more difficult things are getting. now i realize that Satan doesn't like when we choose to follow God, but i really never FELT how serious he is about dragging us to destruction. i remember when i first came to this realization (in my shower lol)...i was so angry about it! i mean, how dare he?! so much of my time used to be spent being depressed, thinking negative thoughts, then subsequently spending hours (for sometimes days at a time) crying about x, y, and z. this happened A LOT! and so you can imagine how much time i allowed Satan to steal from me (key phrase: I ALLOWED). that was such a shocking revelation for me, and i thanked God immediately for helping me change my ways and for opening my eyes to the destruction i was blind to for so long. everything should be good after that, right?

yea...you know the answer. it wasn't.

if anything, things feel like they got worse! now more than ever i definitely agree with the phrase "i don't own emotion, i rent." feelings are so fickle...and a lot of times i place so much emphasis and power on them, maybe that's one of my problems...maybe i shouldn't be relying on them so much? i digress...really, in all of the things i've been thinking about/struggling with this week (family issues, self-esteem, academics, career path, etc.), it all comes back to feeling abandoned by God. i desperately try not to blame Him, but right now i feel lost b/c i can't hear Him...i have no clue where He wants to lead me...and i feel frustrated b/c it all seems like one big test and He won't reveal anything to me. :-( the bible makes no sense in how it applies to my life, outside of not murdering people and not lying. where's the scripture on what career to choose? or what to eat for dinner? who to talk to, who to be friends with, what to activities to participate in?! these are the things i need answers to...and somehow, i only seem to be getting more questions. all of this has scared me into stagnation... i feel...stuck :'(

anyways i say all of this to say i still don't feel the joy. idk when i will...but i'm choosing to NOT let my feelings guide my path anymore. i know joy is going to come, and that God isn't going to leave me hanging (Psalm 16:11) it kills me that i don't know where He's leading me just yet! lol but i'm praying for patience and trusting that He'll never leave me nor forsake me.