joy in the morning.

i'm not joyful this morning (and no, it's not because i've been up since 4:30am...though i'm sure that didn't help much lol). unfortunately, the answer isn't that simple. this week has been really up and down for me. i know it's probably because i went home this weekend. being around my family always sets me back a few steps. :-/ this time was crazier though...not in content, but in my emotional response. that's really all i'm going to say about it, b/c it's still a touchy subject for me. it just didn't really make sense why i got so riled up by what normally just annoys me. that, coupled with getting started in my clinical work and more conversations with B, has left me feeling so drained, so emotionally spent. it just really seems like the more i try to follow God, the more i'm learning about what it truly means to be a Christian and trying to start living that out in my life, the more difficult things are getting. now i realize that Satan doesn't like when we choose to follow God, but i really never FELT how serious he is about dragging us to destruction. i remember when i first came to this realization (in my shower lol)...i was so angry about it! i mean, how dare he?! so much of my time used to be spent being depressed, thinking negative thoughts, then subsequently spending hours (for sometimes days at a time) crying about x, y, and z. this happened A LOT! and so you can imagine how much time i allowed Satan to steal from me (key phrase: I ALLOWED). that was such a shocking revelation for me, and i thanked God immediately for helping me change my ways and for opening my eyes to the destruction i was blind to for so long. everything should be good after that, right?

yea...you know the answer. it wasn't.

if anything, things feel like they got worse! now more than ever i definitely agree with the phrase "i don't own emotion, i rent." feelings are so fickle...and a lot of times i place so much emphasis and power on them, maybe that's one of my problems...maybe i shouldn't be relying on them so much? i digress...really, in all of the things i've been thinking about/struggling with this week (family issues, self-esteem, academics, career path, etc.), it all comes back to feeling abandoned by God. i desperately try not to blame Him, but right now i feel lost b/c i can't hear Him...i have no clue where He wants to lead me...and i feel frustrated b/c it all seems like one big test and He won't reveal anything to me. :-( the bible makes no sense in how it applies to my life, outside of not murdering people and not lying. where's the scripture on what career to choose? or what to eat for dinner? who to talk to, who to be friends with, what to activities to participate in?! these are the things i need answers to...and somehow, i only seem to be getting more questions. all of this has scared me into stagnation... i feel...stuck :'(

anyways i say all of this to say i still don't feel the joy. idk when i will...but i'm choosing to NOT let my feelings guide my path anymore. i know joy is going to come, and that God isn't going to leave me hanging (Psalm 16:11) it kills me that i don't know where He's leading me just yet! lol but i'm praying for patience and trusting that He'll never leave me nor forsake me.