like most people...probably everyone lol...as the year draws to a close, i like to reflect on things i've done, events that have occurred, people i've met, and places i've been. good things have happened, and i'm definitely thankful for many blessings and for making it through the year. but--on the same token--a lot of not-so-pleasant things have happened as well...academically, relationship-wise, mentally...and all of that has affected me spiritually. i'm sure Satan has had his hand in the midst, but i know some of it was caused by me too...
you see friends, i'm tired of just "making it through." and i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself all the time or not remembering what i do or what happens to me (both good and bad). while i understand that God is in control, i don't think He's put me on this earth to just sit on my futon and watch Law and Order for the rest of my life (as tempting as that definitely sounds...). lately, idk, i've just felt like there's so much more to life, so much more God has in store for me. and often times i feel like He has to re-write my script because i'm so stubborn! some bad things have happened because that's just life. but some of that stuff happens because i allow it to happen. or even worse, i seek it out! i want this year to the be the year that i re-claim my life for God. a year where i truly seek Him and what His purpose is for my life. b/c clearly all the "guessing" i've been doing hasn't quite worked out lol
while looking at one of my line sister's blog (you can check out my lovely beauty queen line sister Amina here), i saw she had a cute theme for her title year. so i took it and tweaked it to fit my own theme for 2011. if you haven't already figured it out (*cough cough* it's the title of my blog), my theme for 2011 is "Running Towards Life!" man, i wish you could see my face right now...I'M SO EXCITED!!! ok, let me explain. i finally settled on this theme b/c...well, it fits PERFECTLY! haha i run from a lot of things because i'm afraid or worried i'm not good enough to be happy, loved, successful, etc. this includes opportunities and even relationships. basically, any time anything gets rough or scary, i throw up the deuces and peace out. [not cool, i know...] well, this year, it's not that i wanna stop running...i just wanna run in another direction. you know, use my energy to build healthy relationships, to be okay with who i am, to continue on my academic path, but most importantly, to gain a true relationship with God.
obviously all of the running i've spoken of thus far is figurative :-) BUT to further solidify it, i will be running in real life! to drive home my point (to myself, because i tend to slack on things that will be beneficial to me) i'm going to be training to run a 5k and hopefully a half marathon in 2011!!! i have 3 races i'm looking at completing, so keep in your prayers PLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE :-/ i've NEVER been the running type, and i don't know if i'll make it out of this alive...but, now that i think about it, i hope i don't. i want this experience, this endeavor to kill the old me...the self-destructive me...and create a new me. the me God intended me to be. one that follows Him, loves herself and others...
i'm running towards better, healthier diet.
i'm running towards good mental health.
i'm running towards solid, supportive relationships.
i'm running towards loving my body.
i'm running towards loving my spirit.
but most of all, i'm running towards life in Christ.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
freedom.
it's been an intense week, ending with a long and tiresome night.
i close today with a simple, yet loaded, question:
what's easier: forgiving yourself or forgiving others?
i close today with a simple, yet loaded, question:
what's easier: forgiving yourself or forgiving others?
Monday, November 29, 2010
it's never a right time...
as the semester draws to a close, i'm as stressed as ever. it seems like no matter what i try to do to prepare for this inevitable moment, i never seem to avoid this final bout of anxiety.
for us counselors-in-training, the end of the semester doesn't just mean taking a final exam or writing a final paper. no no, my friends. it also means we have to complete a culminating activity. counselors believe in closure or achieving proper termination whenever possible...so what better way to prepare for our clients than by having us participate in the same activity? sounds easy enough, right?
so totally and completely wrong.
at least for me, it is.
i never really thought about this before my professor asked us to think about how we will say good-bye next week. well, it never really resonated with me like it is now. but i'm not very good at saying good-bye. as a matter of fact, i'm horrible at it! thinking back on past relationships, if ever i had to end one, i usually just stopped talking to the person...just cutting them from my life with out explanation. come to think of it, the first time i ever really had to say good-bye...and it really counted...was last year around this time.
Pop Pop. it seems unreal that he is no longer with us, with my family. and every day i drive around in Norman (my car), a constant reminder of this. some days it's ok...i feel him, and it's a comfort. but other days, like today, it brings me to tears because i miss so much. and i know the rest of my family does too. even still, i'm thankful God allowed me to say good-bye to my Pop Pop before he died. i almost didn't hug him before leaving...he was swollen, couldn't really talk, and just didn't look like the grandpa i knew. but something...the Holy Spirit...spoke to me and with tears in my eyes i leaned down, kissed him, and said whispered "good-bye, Pop Pop."
...nevertheless, this was the first of a chain of painful good-byes. i had to say good-bye to my therapist. then my boss, who helped me through a really tough time. i've had enough good-byes this year to last me a lifetime it seems...
my professor told us this evening that saying good-bye means that you were originally present somewhere. that may seem obvious, but look deeper. what that really means is that you made a connection at some point in time, and now you have to break that bond. that what scares me. i don't want the pain associated with breaking a bond.
now do you understand why i put up a wall? i know people can't get close, but it keeps the pain out...
"so many painful thoughts travel through my mind, and i wonder how i would make it through this time. but i'll trust You. Lord, it's not easy. sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem far away..." ~I Trust You by: James Fortune
for us counselors-in-training, the end of the semester doesn't just mean taking a final exam or writing a final paper. no no, my friends. it also means we have to complete a culminating activity. counselors believe in closure or achieving proper termination whenever possible...so what better way to prepare for our clients than by having us participate in the same activity? sounds easy enough, right?
so totally and completely wrong.
at least for me, it is.
i never really thought about this before my professor asked us to think about how we will say good-bye next week. well, it never really resonated with me like it is now. but i'm not very good at saying good-bye. as a matter of fact, i'm horrible at it! thinking back on past relationships, if ever i had to end one, i usually just stopped talking to the person...just cutting them from my life with out explanation. come to think of it, the first time i ever really had to say good-bye...and it really counted...was last year around this time.
Pop Pop. it seems unreal that he is no longer with us, with my family. and every day i drive around in Norman (my car), a constant reminder of this. some days it's ok...i feel him, and it's a comfort. but other days, like today, it brings me to tears because i miss so much. and i know the rest of my family does too. even still, i'm thankful God allowed me to say good-bye to my Pop Pop before he died. i almost didn't hug him before leaving...he was swollen, couldn't really talk, and just didn't look like the grandpa i knew. but something...the Holy Spirit...spoke to me and with tears in my eyes i leaned down, kissed him, and said whispered "good-bye, Pop Pop."
...nevertheless, this was the first of a chain of painful good-byes. i had to say good-bye to my therapist. then my boss, who helped me through a really tough time. i've had enough good-byes this year to last me a lifetime it seems...
my professor told us this evening that saying good-bye means that you were originally present somewhere. that may seem obvious, but look deeper. what that really means is that you made a connection at some point in time, and now you have to break that bond. that what scares me. i don't want the pain associated with breaking a bond.
now do you understand why i put up a wall? i know people can't get close, but it keeps the pain out...
"so many painful thoughts travel through my mind, and i wonder how i would make it through this time. but i'll trust You. Lord, it's not easy. sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem far away..." ~I Trust You by: James Fortune
Sunday, November 7, 2010
taboo.
i love playing games. i love winning even more.
some would say i'm a bit competitive.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
so naturally, as i was playing taboo last night with some of my friends...and my team was losing...i got kinda upset.
a little.
sorta.
ok, i was practically one buzz away from flipping the coffee table.
the crazy thing is, i knew i was being ridiculous. i knew i was acting like a baby. but those realizations weren't strong enough to shake my funky mood. it was so obvious, i was being so aggressive, and the worse i could make people feel the better i felt.
i'm ashamed just thinking about it...
so i leave once the games are over, and though i tried not to be this way, i left as a grumpy, sore loser. fast forward to this morning, i wake up with so much shame. i thought if i just went to sleep, i'd feel better. but i just felt so convicted about the way i acted last night. even as i get ready for church, while i'm driving, while i'm actually sitting in church, a number of feelings are just weighing my spirit down.
shame.
guilt.
frustration.
annoyance.
more shame.
anger.
Lord, what IS this?! this is definitely not the first time i've gotten outta hand with my competitiveness. but this is DEFINITELY the first time i've felt so bad about it! i felt so pitiful for sitting in church feeling this way, so i said a small prayer...
"Lord, do something to help me. get me out of this funk."
the next song that comes on is "Trading My Sorrows." there's one part in the song that says, "you might not feel it but you say it, until you come into agreement. yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord..." i sing the words, all the while i'm thinking "Lord, i don't feel any better, but i'm gonna keep saying, thinking, and believing this until i do." needless to say, i did end up feeling better...not all the feelings i felt when i first got there. but soon after, God rocked my world with a message on pride.
my pastor's sermon this morning came from James 4:6-10. the essence of it was summed up by the 10th verse: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. " therefore, being prideful gets you in trouble. at first, i was like this has nothing to do with me. i know i'm good at some stuff (like academics and what not), but i definitely didn't consider myself to be prideful. but my pastor showed us how the Word defines pride. he cites the story in Daniel of Nebuchadnezzar. he has this dream, gets Daniel to interpret it...basically Daniel points out that the dream means Neb was being prideful because of how successful his kingdom was and that God didn't like it. so basically, pride is when you put yourself above others or God.
"A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." ~C.S. Lewis
so then my pastor starts naming modern scenarios that exhibit pride...this really hit home for me. pride envies, keeps record of wrong, and pride even means being distrustful. with all of those things, you either want something because you think you deserve it more than the other person OR you don't trust someone because if you do trust them, you'll probably get hurt by them. if you get hurt, you'll look foolish. so you avoid getting hurt (i.e. you distrust ppl)...because your PRIDE doesn't want you to look foolish.
really, God?! seriously, i was blown away...no lie, my pastor explained pride like that and so much more. i was just sitting in church like, wow...it's all so clear now...
even know, as i think about the sermon, this new perspective gives me a greater urgency to start being more open, honest, and trusting with people. something i've been struggling with for as long as i remember...but definitely a lot this year. i realize even more how difficult it's going to be. i hate feeling vunerable, but that's only because i don't wanna look stupid for getting played by someone...AGAIN.
but being humble...letting go of my pride about being wrong, being stupid, being hurt...is the only way God can truly help me.
what a frustrating irony...*sigh* i'm still a work in progress, people. lol
stay tuned.
some would say i'm a bit competitive.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
so naturally, as i was playing taboo last night with some of my friends...and my team was losing...i got kinda upset.
a little.
sorta.
ok, i was practically one buzz away from flipping the coffee table.
the crazy thing is, i knew i was being ridiculous. i knew i was acting like a baby. but those realizations weren't strong enough to shake my funky mood. it was so obvious, i was being so aggressive, and the worse i could make people feel the better i felt.
i'm ashamed just thinking about it...
so i leave once the games are over, and though i tried not to be this way, i left as a grumpy, sore loser. fast forward to this morning, i wake up with so much shame. i thought if i just went to sleep, i'd feel better. but i just felt so convicted about the way i acted last night. even as i get ready for church, while i'm driving, while i'm actually sitting in church, a number of feelings are just weighing my spirit down.
shame.
guilt.
frustration.
annoyance.
more shame.
anger.
Lord, what IS this?! this is definitely not the first time i've gotten outta hand with my competitiveness. but this is DEFINITELY the first time i've felt so bad about it! i felt so pitiful for sitting in church feeling this way, so i said a small prayer...
"Lord, do something to help me. get me out of this funk."
the next song that comes on is "Trading My Sorrows." there's one part in the song that says, "you might not feel it but you say it, until you come into agreement. yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord..." i sing the words, all the while i'm thinking "Lord, i don't feel any better, but i'm gonna keep saying, thinking, and believing this until i do." needless to say, i did end up feeling better...not all the feelings i felt when i first got there. but soon after, God rocked my world with a message on pride.
my pastor's sermon this morning came from James 4:6-10. the essence of it was summed up by the 10th verse: "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. " therefore, being prideful gets you in trouble. at first, i was like this has nothing to do with me. i know i'm good at some stuff (like academics and what not), but i definitely didn't consider myself to be prideful. but my pastor showed us how the Word defines pride. he cites the story in Daniel of Nebuchadnezzar. he has this dream, gets Daniel to interpret it...basically Daniel points out that the dream means Neb was being prideful because of how successful his kingdom was and that God didn't like it. so basically, pride is when you put yourself above others or God.
"A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." ~C.S. Lewis
so then my pastor starts naming modern scenarios that exhibit pride...this really hit home for me. pride envies, keeps record of wrong, and pride even means being distrustful. with all of those things, you either want something because you think you deserve it more than the other person OR you don't trust someone because if you do trust them, you'll probably get hurt by them. if you get hurt, you'll look foolish. so you avoid getting hurt (i.e. you distrust ppl)...because your PRIDE doesn't want you to look foolish.
really, God?! seriously, i was blown away...no lie, my pastor explained pride like that and so much more. i was just sitting in church like, wow...it's all so clear now...
even know, as i think about the sermon, this new perspective gives me a greater urgency to start being more open, honest, and trusting with people. something i've been struggling with for as long as i remember...but definitely a lot this year. i realize even more how difficult it's going to be. i hate feeling vunerable, but that's only because i don't wanna look stupid for getting played by someone...AGAIN.
but being humble...letting go of my pride about being wrong, being stupid, being hurt...is the only way God can truly help me.
what a frustrating irony...*sigh* i'm still a work in progress, people. lol
stay tuned.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
for colored girls.
moving.
i'm sure that's not the response most ppl had leaving the theater tonight, as opening night closed on Tyler Perry's "For Colored Girls." but that's what it did for me.
i wanna write.
i wanna inspire.
i feel it. brewing...churning...growing. just waiting for me to open up and let my words free. why do i continue to sit here and die when i have so much LIFE left in my voice...?
moreover, TP did an awesome job of intertwining his creative license with Ntozake Shange's poems.
beautiful.
i'm sure that's not the response most ppl had leaving the theater tonight, as opening night closed on Tyler Perry's "For Colored Girls." but that's what it did for me.
i wanna write.
i wanna inspire.
i feel it. brewing...churning...growing. just waiting for me to open up and let my words free. why do i continue to sit here and die when i have so much LIFE left in my voice...?
moreover, TP did an awesome job of intertwining his creative license with Ntozake Shange's poems.
beautiful.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
life and death.
one of the libraries on campus has moving bookshelves.
fancy, i know.
so, after nearly crushing a girl and her bf while looking for a book, i realized that my mind was not focused on anything academic.
[not sure why the safety/motion detector thingy--yes, i said thingy--didn't trigger the shelf to stop moving...weird.]
ever since i left church today, i've just been thinking about the sermon and how much it was directed at me. it was on how much power the tongue has. you know, how "life and death is in the power of the tongue." in the name of being honest, being real, or venting, i've said some negative things about a lot of people. which, looking back, i used those reasons to disguise my real one...getting even. honestly, it really sucks when someone does something bad to you or hurts you, and (it seems like) nothing happens to them because of it. but now i realize how much power i have to change the outcome of situations like that. even if i feel the need to "be honest," i need to do it out of love. meaning, if i can say what i need to say in a way that will begin the healing process for our interaction with each other, than i can say it. but if i don't, then i need to be quiet.
clearly easier said than done. but it's what i need to do, as a follower of Christ. i hate that when i look at my life, it looks exactly like someone who doesn't believe in God. that means others definitely don't see a difference either! :-/
gossiping falls under this too. this will be the hardest thing to stop b/c i have a good, juicy secret! lol i wish i was kidding, but i'm so nosy! even more so, you have to stop putting yourself down too. i know i do that a lot...probably a million times a day almost. in spite of my faults and mistakes, i know there are still a lot of good qualities...i just have a hard time thinking of what they are...this is another thing i need to work on.
[the sermon should be posted here soon...]
lately, i feel like God's been trying to tell me that i need someone who i can confide in spiritually. that i need someone to hold me accountable on this journey to becoming more like him. honestly, i don't know who that is or who it should be...reflecting on my past, i have rarely been a good judge of character. so i feel helpless with this decision because i need to move forward, but idk what direction to take.
Lord, order my steps.
fancy, i know.
so, after nearly crushing a girl and her bf while looking for a book, i realized that my mind was not focused on anything academic.
[not sure why the safety/motion detector thingy--yes, i said thingy--didn't trigger the shelf to stop moving...weird.]
ever since i left church today, i've just been thinking about the sermon and how much it was directed at me. it was on how much power the tongue has. you know, how "life and death is in the power of the tongue." in the name of being honest, being real, or venting, i've said some negative things about a lot of people. which, looking back, i used those reasons to disguise my real one...getting even. honestly, it really sucks when someone does something bad to you or hurts you, and (it seems like) nothing happens to them because of it. but now i realize how much power i have to change the outcome of situations like that. even if i feel the need to "be honest," i need to do it out of love. meaning, if i can say what i need to say in a way that will begin the healing process for our interaction with each other, than i can say it. but if i don't, then i need to be quiet.
clearly easier said than done. but it's what i need to do, as a follower of Christ. i hate that when i look at my life, it looks exactly like someone who doesn't believe in God. that means others definitely don't see a difference either! :-/
gossiping falls under this too. this will be the hardest thing to stop b/c i have a good, juicy secret! lol i wish i was kidding, but i'm so nosy! even more so, you have to stop putting yourself down too. i know i do that a lot...probably a million times a day almost. in spite of my faults and mistakes, i know there are still a lot of good qualities...i just have a hard time thinking of what they are...this is another thing i need to work on.
[the sermon should be posted here soon...]
lately, i feel like God's been trying to tell me that i need someone who i can confide in spiritually. that i need someone to hold me accountable on this journey to becoming more like him. honestly, i don't know who that is or who it should be...reflecting on my past, i have rarely been a good judge of character. so i feel helpless with this decision because i need to move forward, but idk what direction to take.
Lord, order my steps.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
for whom the [wedding] bell tolls.
so, i just got back from a wedding. if you don't know this about me, i LOVE weddings! i watch like as many bridal shows as i can lol but i rarely get to actually attend a wedding. it was really nice...not too long, good timing with everything...very classy. it was an elegant way to spend my Saturday :-) plus, i got to do a mini-road trip with my fav buddy, Talia! i tried to tell her this in the car, but let's face it...when it comes to me expressing my own feelings, i stink horribly at it :-/ anywho, i love hanging around her...she's cool, uses awesome words like mamashank (yep, go ahead and google it lol)...she's just a fun person to be around. her and her family too. yet even more so, i find it so easy to talk to her...it's crazy how i don't find myself wanting to stay guarded around her. how i don't feel so defensive, how i don't feel like fighting or hiding. it's...easy......
ok, i know all relationships take work, and i know there will be problems. but lately i've been looking at some of my friendships or interactions with people i know. and they just require so much effort...i feel so judged all the time, or like i'm a project to be accomplished [like, "oh, it's hard for K to trust so let me work extra hard for her to trust me and then i'll be crowned greatest friend ever"]. some work is required, on both parts, but it shouldn't take so much out of me. it shouldn't have to be so hard... i don't get that heartache with her. she...makes it ok to be me.
part of me is like, wait a sec...this is too good to be true. and sometimes, i feel that part taking over. but then she'll do something and that part goes away. she makes me believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. that's refreshing, and most definitely gives me hope about future relationships/friendships...
:-)
ok, i know all relationships take work, and i know there will be problems. but lately i've been looking at some of my friendships or interactions with people i know. and they just require so much effort...i feel so judged all the time, or like i'm a project to be accomplished [like, "oh, it's hard for K to trust so let me work extra hard for her to trust me and then i'll be crowned greatest friend ever"]. some work is required, on both parts, but it shouldn't take so much out of me. it shouldn't have to be so hard... i don't get that heartache with her. she...makes it ok to be me.
part of me is like, wait a sec...this is too good to be true. and sometimes, i feel that part taking over. but then she'll do something and that part goes away. she makes me believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. that's refreshing, and most definitely gives me hope about future relationships/friendships...
:-)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
ex-facebook fanatic.
so, i don't miss facebook all that much. but i do miss the creativity that bloomed when it was time for me to update my status. here's to status updates that shall never be forgotten...enjoy :-)
(1) writes l♥ve on her arm to erase the hate of one's self. she writes l♥ve because they need help...too.
[in honor of To Write Love On Her Arms...]
(2) man, watching this BTM on P!nk...her songs were windows to my soul during a dark time in my life. Lord, in this new life, this new walk, grant me a connection greater than that!
(3)i won't lie...my MC course was the bain of my existence throughout this semester. yet now...in this moment...i'm convinced that it all happened for a reason. and the heart-wrenching authenticity displayed only served to further reaffirm my love of Counselor Ed. i've never felt more connected or loved. harambe ♥
(4)is FINALLY DONE with the ethics paper from you know where. but surprisingly, she enjoyed doing it...and now she feels like crying b/c she's never been more proud of herself or a paper she's written!
(5)tripped during her presentation and got a faceful of carpet as a souvenir. but it's all good because her classmates thought she fainted, and were concerned. LOL!
(6)when do we stop doing and just start being?
(7) {story about a 2-year-old child} me: "hey Poulomi, i haven't seen NiNi in a while...i wonder where she is." Poulomi: "hmm...(said matter-of-factly) maybe she's busy"
(8)random resident/person/friend/everyone NOT in counselor ed: "Kertesha, what are you studying? me: "Marriage & Family Therapy." random person: "are you married?" me: "no..." r.p.: "dating?" me: "...no" r.p.: "how does that work...?"
(9)♫♪ "Sisterhood and service combined makes a woman illustriously divine. Salmon pink and apple green all make a woman sway towards the Alpha Kappa Alpha way. And we're building up to a higher cause. And we get stronger, yes we get stronger." ♫♪ Happy AKAversary, 48 Pearls of Sankofa!
(10)thinks 5 pages does NOT equal a quiz.
(11)"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
(12)can't wait to fall to the upside of things.
(13)wonders if she would regret sleeping through the rest of her life...
(14)is pretty sure she would fail if she were going to school to get her MRS.
(15)...it's bittersweet, this reality.
(16)learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
[thanks P!nk :-P]
(17)say what? they're not shaking hands at graduation because of H1N1?!
[this was at my bro's graduation...they made an announcement and everything!]
(18)was queen of the dance floor tonight. her feet said so.
(19)life is not for the timid.
[my theories professor said this one]
(20)"responsibility: when your social life hits a dead end." looks like K. Riley will be playing the grad student role tonight. :-(
(21)nothing says romance like chicken tenders.
[great commercial!]
(22)on 3.30.1917, God created such a wonderful grandpa for me. instead of me remembering his death, i choose to celebrate his life. you will be missed, Pop Pop. ♥
(1) writes l♥ve on her arm to erase the hate of one's self. she writes l♥ve because they need help...too.
[in honor of To Write Love On Her Arms...]
(2) man, watching this BTM on P!nk...her songs were windows to my soul during a dark time in my life. Lord, in this new life, this new walk, grant me a connection greater than that!
(3)i won't lie...my MC course was the bain of my existence throughout this semester. yet now...in this moment...i'm convinced that it all happened for a reason. and the heart-wrenching authenticity displayed only served to further reaffirm my love of Counselor Ed. i've never felt more connected or loved. harambe ♥
(4)is FINALLY DONE with the ethics paper from you know where. but surprisingly, she enjoyed doing it...and now she feels like crying b/c she's never been more proud of herself or a paper she's written!
(5)tripped during her presentation and got a faceful of carpet as a souvenir. but it's all good because her classmates thought she fainted, and were concerned. LOL!
(6)when do we stop doing and just start being?
(7) {story about a 2-year-old child} me: "hey Poulomi, i haven't seen NiNi in a while...i wonder where she is." Poulomi: "hmm...(said matter-of-factly) maybe she's busy"
(8)random resident/person/friend/everyone NOT in counselor ed: "Kertesha, what are you studying? me: "Marriage & Family Therapy." random person: "are you married?" me: "no..." r.p.: "dating?" me: "...no" r.p.: "how does that work...?"
(9)♫♪ "Sisterhood and service combined makes a woman illustriously divine. Salmon pink and apple green all make a woman sway towards the Alpha Kappa Alpha way. And we're building up to a higher cause. And we get stronger, yes we get stronger." ♫♪ Happy AKAversary, 48 Pearls of Sankofa!
(10)thinks 5 pages does NOT equal a quiz.
(11)"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
(12)can't wait to fall to the upside of things.
(13)wonders if she would regret sleeping through the rest of her life...
(14)is pretty sure she would fail if she were going to school to get her MRS.
(15)...it's bittersweet, this reality.
(16)learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
[thanks P!nk :-P]
(17)say what? they're not shaking hands at graduation because of H1N1?!
[this was at my bro's graduation...they made an announcement and everything!]
(18)was queen of the dance floor tonight. her feet said so.
(19)life is not for the timid.
[my theories professor said this one]
(20)"responsibility: when your social life hits a dead end." looks like K. Riley will be playing the grad student role tonight. :-(
(21)nothing says romance like chicken tenders.
[great commercial!]
(22)on 3.30.1917, God created such a wonderful grandpa for me. instead of me remembering his death, i choose to celebrate his life. you will be missed, Pop Pop. ♥
Thursday, October 7, 2010
it's kind of a funny story.
tonight i decided to go to the movies. by myself. trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds lol. i actually enjoy going to the movies by myself sometimes...it frees you up to respond to a movie the way you really want to--whether that's loving it, hating it, or somewhere in the middle...
anyways, the movie (it's the title of this blog if you haven't caught on :-P) really got me to thinking about my life, my priorities, the things i focus on, etc. past experiences haven't necessarily left me "better," just a lot more aware of what's going in my head. to be honest, that's really been sucking a lot lately. it's like, ok now i know what's wrong, but i still don't know how to fix it! i find myself always so wound tight. i can't seem to fully relax around ppl...only a few friends of mine. i just...idk...i feel like i constantly have to defend myself, defend my thoughts...actions...feelings. and all i want is to be okay being me. all the time. even when ppl disagree with me, i wanna feel like my world won't cave in and i'll never be friends with them again. [someone...anybody...please tell me how to get there!]
...at times, i'm content with the way my life is. i've had ups and downs, but overall it's been a really fun ride. then i talk to someone, and my world shatters because they ALWAYS describe some story that i wish belonged to me. like tonight...i went to visit a friend, and we talked about a lot of stuff. what sticks out now...like it did at the time...was the story she told of this guy she met. details put aside, that's exactly what i want. let me explain...i never ever EVER have any story of any substance when it comes to my life. basically, cool things happen to me at work or at school...neither of which is really all that cool. at least not to the ppl i talk to regularly. what this really boils down to, and i hate to admit it like this but the hour has me feeling open and honest, is that i want a guy story. is that so much to ask for??? i guess i'm just tired of being the one ppl talk to ABOUT stuff like this and not the one who gets to do the talking.
*sigh* why does it always have to be about guys...
but back to the movie. it really got me thinking about writing and taking some serious steps to get published. i don't know what those steps will look like exactly haha but i plan to start with weekly (and hopefully, eventually daily) writing. i used to think i didn't have anything to write worth reading. but in the end, it's for me...
writing's my process, the process that helps me cope with the things i can't change.
it gives me the strength the change the things i can.
and it comforts me as i struggle to determine the difference.
anyways, the movie (it's the title of this blog if you haven't caught on :-P) really got me to thinking about my life, my priorities, the things i focus on, etc. past experiences haven't necessarily left me "better," just a lot more aware of what's going in my head. to be honest, that's really been sucking a lot lately. it's like, ok now i know what's wrong, but i still don't know how to fix it! i find myself always so wound tight. i can't seem to fully relax around ppl...only a few friends of mine. i just...idk...i feel like i constantly have to defend myself, defend my thoughts...actions...feelings. and all i want is to be okay being me. all the time. even when ppl disagree with me, i wanna feel like my world won't cave in and i'll never be friends with them again. [someone...anybody...please tell me how to get there!]
...at times, i'm content with the way my life is. i've had ups and downs, but overall it's been a really fun ride. then i talk to someone, and my world shatters because they ALWAYS describe some story that i wish belonged to me. like tonight...i went to visit a friend, and we talked about a lot of stuff. what sticks out now...like it did at the time...was the story she told of this guy she met. details put aside, that's exactly what i want. let me explain...i never ever EVER have any story of any substance when it comes to my life. basically, cool things happen to me at work or at school...neither of which is really all that cool. at least not to the ppl i talk to regularly. what this really boils down to, and i hate to admit it like this but the hour has me feeling open and honest, is that i want a guy story. is that so much to ask for??? i guess i'm just tired of being the one ppl talk to ABOUT stuff like this and not the one who gets to do the talking.
*sigh* why does it always have to be about guys...
but back to the movie. it really got me thinking about writing and taking some serious steps to get published. i don't know what those steps will look like exactly haha but i plan to start with weekly (and hopefully, eventually daily) writing. i used to think i didn't have anything to write worth reading. but in the end, it's for me...
writing's my process, the process that helps me cope with the things i can't change.
it gives me the strength the change the things i can.
and it comforts me as i struggle to determine the difference.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
gloves aren't the only things in glove compartments.
i am not an organized person.
never have been. not sure if i ever will be...but that's another blog for another time.
even still, it's rare that i misplace things of significant importance...
[yea, i didn't even believe that when i wrote it]
ok, so i inherited a car a few months ago, and for those of you who don't know...like i didn't...you have to get the title switched to your name and blah blah blah. i did all that, then forgot to check for it in the mail. long story short...7 months later...i'm semi-frantic over not having it in my ridiculously junky apt. then after weeks of searching, between me and mom, she finds it in her glove compartment on a whim. i was worried, but i wasn't overly concerned. frankly, i'd made up in my mind to just buy another one (tho i was dreading dishing out 80 big ones for it :-/)
what's the point of all this? honestly, it's been a rough week for me. on top of a rough year! spiritually, i've been all over the place...not sure if i'm coming or going, believing or doubting. i know a lot of stuff ABOUT God. but i don't know Him. and that makes it hard to believe what He says. it makes it difficult to trust that when He promises me something, He'll deliver. to you, an envelope in a locked glove box is just that--an envelope that was misplaced, and now is found. but to me, it was a small eraser. and, for now, it has only erased a glimmer of doubt in my mind about who God is and what i mean to Him. yet, He took the time to fix something so small, so insignificant on the grand scheme of things. He cares so much about the small stuff, that He can only care a million times more about the large stuff too.
and that speaks volumes above the doubt screaming in my head.
thank You. :-)
never have been. not sure if i ever will be...but that's another blog for another time.
even still, it's rare that i misplace things of significant importance...
[yea, i didn't even believe that when i wrote it]
ok, so i inherited a car a few months ago, and for those of you who don't know...like i didn't...you have to get the title switched to your name and blah blah blah. i did all that, then forgot to check for it in the mail. long story short...7 months later...i'm semi-frantic over not having it in my ridiculously junky apt. then after weeks of searching, between me and mom, she finds it in her glove compartment on a whim. i was worried, but i wasn't overly concerned. frankly, i'd made up in my mind to just buy another one (tho i was dreading dishing out 80 big ones for it :-/)
what's the point of all this? honestly, it's been a rough week for me. on top of a rough year! spiritually, i've been all over the place...not sure if i'm coming or going, believing or doubting. i know a lot of stuff ABOUT God. but i don't know Him. and that makes it hard to believe what He says. it makes it difficult to trust that when He promises me something, He'll deliver. to you, an envelope in a locked glove box is just that--an envelope that was misplaced, and now is found. but to me, it was a small eraser. and, for now, it has only erased a glimmer of doubt in my mind about who God is and what i mean to Him. yet, He took the time to fix something so small, so insignificant on the grand scheme of things. He cares so much about the small stuff, that He can only care a million times more about the large stuff too.
and that speaks volumes above the doubt screaming in my head.
thank You. :-)
Monday, September 27, 2010
who knew?
it took me two hours (and one very special cup of orange juice) to get my blood pressure back to normal.
my racing thoughts are another story.
what is the cause of this? a near-death experience?
no, my friends...though flashbacks were awfully close.
actually, this was class.
yea, i said it...class.
like the majority of my classes, meaning all of them, involve self-reflection. i can't bring myself to do it. so many instances in my past tell me that human beings can't be trusted. the walls i put up keep me safe, even if they keep me from truly making connections. everything in my body says run away. fast. the urge has never been greater. this trapped feeling is torture, and i still have months left in this class.
but i want to get better. authenticity intrigues me. most importantly, i want to be free.
to trust.
to live.
to love.
sorry i'm all over the place. just another day and time in the life and mind of a wounded healer.
my racing thoughts are another story.
what is the cause of this? a near-death experience?
no, my friends...though flashbacks were awfully close.
actually, this was class.
yea, i said it...class.
like the majority of my classes, meaning all of them, involve self-reflection. i can't bring myself to do it. so many instances in my past tell me that human beings can't be trusted. the walls i put up keep me safe, even if they keep me from truly making connections. everything in my body says run away. fast. the urge has never been greater. this trapped feeling is torture, and i still have months left in this class.
but i want to get better. authenticity intrigues me. most importantly, i want to be free.
to trust.
to live.
to love.
sorry i'm all over the place. just another day and time in the life and mind of a wounded healer.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
habit.
"hey, how are you?"
"i'm fine."
how often is this the opening to the number of dialogues you have each day? for me, the latter response is used far more often than i actually mean it.
is the same true for you?
after having a conversation with a "friend" (friend is in quotation marks because i'm currently exploring what friendship truly means to me, thus i'm evaluating those relationships as well), i realize how often i tell these lies. lies like "i'm fine" when sometimes, i'm not. not trusting, not disclosing, not being vulnerable...in any relationship, when you can't do any of those things...or when you methodically choose not to engage in any of those things...they become living lies. i've done it so much, that the lies escape my lips long before my mind can say "no! do it differently this time."
my mind keeps whispering, "this person isn't like the last," hinting that maybe, just maybe, i can put hand on the burner and it wasn't left on. yet, the moment comes and i run from the kitchen before i get anywhere near the stove...
still, as cold and as calculated as i can be--when it comes to discussing my feelings--i think about how my actions continuously push people away. i know they do...i know it frustrates all of my friends. above all, it scares me. i'm so worried about being hurt first, that i don't get people a chance to show me that they won't (INTENTIONALLY) hurt me. it comes off as stiff, emotion-less cognitions when in reality, it scares me...to think that i'll keep pushing people away and they'll finally realize that i'm not worth them pushing back......
what do you do with a girl who doesn't see she's worth it?
"i'm fine."
how often is this the opening to the number of dialogues you have each day? for me, the latter response is used far more often than i actually mean it.
is the same true for you?
after having a conversation with a "friend" (friend is in quotation marks because i'm currently exploring what friendship truly means to me, thus i'm evaluating those relationships as well), i realize how often i tell these lies. lies like "i'm fine" when sometimes, i'm not. not trusting, not disclosing, not being vulnerable...in any relationship, when you can't do any of those things...or when you methodically choose not to engage in any of those things...they become living lies. i've done it so much, that the lies escape my lips long before my mind can say "no! do it differently this time."
my mind keeps whispering, "this person isn't like the last," hinting that maybe, just maybe, i can put hand on the burner and it wasn't left on. yet, the moment comes and i run from the kitchen before i get anywhere near the stove...
still, as cold and as calculated as i can be--when it comes to discussing my feelings--i think about how my actions continuously push people away. i know they do...i know it frustrates all of my friends. above all, it scares me. i'm so worried about being hurt first, that i don't get people a chance to show me that they won't (INTENTIONALLY) hurt me. it comes off as stiff, emotion-less cognitions when in reality, it scares me...to think that i'll keep pushing people away and they'll finally realize that i'm not worth them pushing back......
what do you do with a girl who doesn't see she's worth it?
Friday, August 13, 2010
pizookie wasted.
i'm exhausted. but in a good way.
i've trained for work. hung out with friends and co-workers. obsessed over boys. got excited for the new semester. freaked out about writing a thesis and TA-ing for a class. yearning to go home. and just plain ol' being inspired to...hmm...just be. to just live in the moment, be present with myself for a change, and not worry about others and their pursuit of happyness.
right now, i'm so tired that most of my thoughts will be left unsaid for now. actually...quite frankly, i'm in emotion overload. idk if this has happened to you, but when i feel too many emotions it gets too overwhelming for me, so i have to cry. it hasn't happened yet, but as soon as this blog is done i'm gonna handle my business lol. don't fret...it's not a sad thing. overwhelming is just that...overwhelming. whether it be with good emotions, "bad" emotions, or some nice mix of the two.
i feel the tears coming, so until next time...
i've trained for work. hung out with friends and co-workers. obsessed over boys. got excited for the new semester. freaked out about writing a thesis and TA-ing for a class. yearning to go home. and just plain ol' being inspired to...hmm...just be. to just live in the moment, be present with myself for a change, and not worry about others and their pursuit of happyness.
right now, i'm so tired that most of my thoughts will be left unsaid for now. actually...quite frankly, i'm in emotion overload. idk if this has happened to you, but when i feel too many emotions it gets too overwhelming for me, so i have to cry. it hasn't happened yet, but as soon as this blog is done i'm gonna handle my business lol. don't fret...it's not a sad thing. overwhelming is just that...overwhelming. whether it be with good emotions, "bad" emotions, or some nice mix of the two.
i feel the tears coming, so until next time...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
it's all greek to me.
boys.
they always say that girls are complicated...that they just don't get us.
well news flash: we don't get ya'll either!
idk about you, but i'm always wondering what guys are thinking.
why they act the way they do...
why they have the friends, hobbies, etc. they do...
why they choose the mates they do...
yep...that last one is a thought ever-present in my mind :-\
especially lately.
because fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it haha), i'm developing feelings for a boy.
*sigh* it's been a while for me...and while it's very exciting (i'm smiling now, just so you know), it's also very scary. he might not like me, but then again he might. i have no clue where he stands. we're friends, i guess that's a good way to start. so we'll see where this goes...
but, should i say something? make the first move?
would you???
for now, i'm just enjoying the fun of having a crush...**insert girly giggle here**
they always say that girls are complicated...that they just don't get us.
well news flash: we don't get ya'll either!
idk about you, but i'm always wondering what guys are thinking.
why they act the way they do...
why they have the friends, hobbies, etc. they do...
why they choose the mates they do...
yep...that last one is a thought ever-present in my mind :-\
especially lately.
because fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it haha), i'm developing feelings for a boy.
*sigh* it's been a while for me...and while it's very exciting (i'm smiling now, just so you know), it's also very scary. he might not like me, but then again he might. i have no clue where he stands. we're friends, i guess that's a good way to start. so we'll see where this goes...
but, should i say something? make the first move?
would you???
for now, i'm just enjoying the fun of having a crush...**insert girly giggle here**
Friday, July 30, 2010
focus.
"if your life makes sense to unbelievers, then you're doing something wrong."
as i was coming back from a lock-out (ahhh, the joys of being on call), i was listening to a nightly segment on the Joy FM called "Focus on the Family." it was near the end of it, but i soon figured out that the guest for tonight was Francis Chan...he's the author of the book i'm reading called Crazy Love.
ok ok, i'll be honest...i haven't opened the book in a while :-/
but, listening to him it definitely made me want to start again. while his talk was about how families should love each other by loving God...idk...it just resonated with me. i'm not the greatest with relationships. no matter the form. and i really struggle with how to love people, b/c honestly i don't think i know how to. yet, God shows us daily...He showed us on the cross...He gives us a template to live by. and it's not just for people we like. it's for everyone. [Lord, do You realize how ridiculously hard that is?! *ughh* some people MAKE you not want to love them...i definitely feel like they do it on purpose too!!! but i digress...]
one thing the host also said made me examine my own walk with God. she called Francis "weird" for how he thought (basically, putting God first in every. little. thing.), but followed up with how she needed to get weird like him.
ditto, my friend. ditto.
i think about how much of my daily life i DON'T hand (back) to God. how the little decisions i decide to handle myself, but when something big comes along..."hey God, You got me right?" yea...somehow i don't think that's goes over well with Him. that's just it...i NEVER have a handle on ANYTHING!!! when i look in the mirror, all i see is an inadequate girl who tries so desperately to make everyone believe she has it all together. in reality, i was only fooling myself...
it's so hard to give up control though. especially when you feel like your problems are WAY too big to ever be fixed.
like...disorganization,
depression,
promiscuity,
low self-esteem,
loneliness,
pride,
we all have a list of our own...
i guess that's where faith comes in. God has made the impossible possible all throughout my life...
why would He fail me now?
as i was coming back from a lock-out (ahhh, the joys of being on call), i was listening to a nightly segment on the Joy FM called "Focus on the Family." it was near the end of it, but i soon figured out that the guest for tonight was Francis Chan...he's the author of the book i'm reading called Crazy Love.
ok ok, i'll be honest...i haven't opened the book in a while :-/
but, listening to him it definitely made me want to start again. while his talk was about how families should love each other by loving God...idk...it just resonated with me. i'm not the greatest with relationships. no matter the form. and i really struggle with how to love people, b/c honestly i don't think i know how to. yet, God shows us daily...He showed us on the cross...He gives us a template to live by. and it's not just for people we like. it's for everyone. [Lord, do You realize how ridiculously hard that is?! *ughh* some people MAKE you not want to love them...i definitely feel like they do it on purpose too!!! but i digress...]
one thing the host also said made me examine my own walk with God. she called Francis "weird" for how he thought (basically, putting God first in every. little. thing.), but followed up with how she needed to get weird like him.
ditto, my friend. ditto.
i think about how much of my daily life i DON'T hand (back) to God. how the little decisions i decide to handle myself, but when something big comes along..."hey God, You got me right?" yea...somehow i don't think that's goes over well with Him. that's just it...i NEVER have a handle on ANYTHING!!! when i look in the mirror, all i see is an inadequate girl who tries so desperately to make everyone believe she has it all together. in reality, i was only fooling myself...
it's so hard to give up control though. especially when you feel like your problems are WAY too big to ever be fixed.
like...disorganization,
depression,
promiscuity,
low self-esteem,
loneliness,
pride,
we all have a list of our own...
i guess that's where faith comes in. God has made the impossible possible all throughout my life...
why would He fail me now?
Monday, July 19, 2010
'ships and rocky waters.
look at me very closely.
a little closer.
does my forehead read "complicated?"
yes? *sigh* i thought so.
why do i seem to attract people who just make my life complicated???
i can do that on my own!
i prayed for closure on this situation a little while ago. months ago. i was upset over what i feel was an unfortunate miscommunication. but really, aren't all fights simply miscommunications? anyways, my group member/friend and i stopped talking over a group assignment. when you don't talk to someone, and things are left to interpretation, one usually interprets incorrectly. and as a worse-case scenario. so i assumed the worst, felt hurt, turned that into anger, then erased it and the friend from my memory.
nifty, huh?
but way past my point of forgetting, i get a random call. and everything is brought back to the forefront. whhhyyyyyyyy??? couldn't she just have never called back, and then...any time the situation was brought up (if it ever was) or if i saw her again (which i would, since we're in the same program), i would be justified in ignoring her?! so now, the ball's in my court. she's fine with everything...she got everything off her chest. i did too...
sorta.
well, not really.
see, she re-hashed my anger. how dare she treat ME that way? [yea, i said it] and this isn't the first time something like this happened. she's known for her crazed antics, for lack of a better term. how forgiving should one be? am i stupid for considering forgetting all that happened?
how do you know when to keep someone around and when to let them go...for real, this time?
a little closer.
does my forehead read "complicated?"
yes? *sigh* i thought so.
why do i seem to attract people who just make my life complicated???
i can do that on my own!
i prayed for closure on this situation a little while ago. months ago. i was upset over what i feel was an unfortunate miscommunication. but really, aren't all fights simply miscommunications? anyways, my group member/friend and i stopped talking over a group assignment. when you don't talk to someone, and things are left to interpretation, one usually interprets incorrectly. and as a worse-case scenario. so i assumed the worst, felt hurt, turned that into anger, then erased it and the friend from my memory.
nifty, huh?
but way past my point of forgetting, i get a random call. and everything is brought back to the forefront. whhhyyyyyyyy??? couldn't she just have never called back, and then...any time the situation was brought up (if it ever was) or if i saw her again (which i would, since we're in the same program), i would be justified in ignoring her?! so now, the ball's in my court. she's fine with everything...she got everything off her chest. i did too...
sorta.
well, not really.
see, she re-hashed my anger. how dare she treat ME that way? [yea, i said it] and this isn't the first time something like this happened. she's known for her crazed antics, for lack of a better term. how forgiving should one be? am i stupid for considering forgetting all that happened?
how do you know when to keep someone around and when to let them go...for real, this time?
say that you remember.
i've spent most of my day texting ppl (in between working on some research stuff), trying to find someone to hang out with!
...no such luck.
after going to Moe's...and getting free queso, cuz it's free queso day (cha - ching!!!)...i came home to watch a movie. by myself.
ya see, i'm avoiding watch a movie i HAVE to watch for class. it's going to be depressing. my friend already bailed on me in watching it. frankly, i'm not in the mood to watch ppl strung out on drugs. and i'm pretty sure i don't wanna be a substance abuse counselor either.
[just in case you were wondering, my class is on substance abuse. now that we're on the same page...lol]
in the midst of all this, it's dawned on me that i don't like being alone. i like being alone, i just...don't like being alone. hang in there, i'll try to clear it up haha. i'm fine with being alone when i want to be. but when i don't want to be, i find it very hard to entertain myself. if i'm alone, and i don't want to be, i usually spend that time figuring out how NOT to be alone anymore.
sound familiar? oh, i guess not.
anywho, i don't know much about self-esteem, body image, and all that other jazz...but i'm pretty sure that in order to like yourself you should probably like being around yourself. if i may take a moment to be completely honest...i don't really like myself all that much. i haven't for as long as i can remember...
but every so often, i get a glimpse of what that will look like...how it will feel one day to finally accept me for who i am. flaws and all. one of those moments came today...as i danced in my apt to the credits of the movie i just finished.
i felt free, unbridled. not a care in the world. and even though i felt too tall, too fat, too ugly, and too uncoordinated when i started...towards the end, i felt ok.
ok is good. much better than not.
that's how i want to feel all the time, don't you?
i felt that way as i looked out from the top of the Gateway Arch...i was there this past week. idk what i have to do, but Lord...please help me to see me as you do.
...no such luck.
after going to Moe's...and getting free queso, cuz it's free queso day (cha - ching!!!)...i came home to watch a movie. by myself.
ya see, i'm avoiding watch a movie i HAVE to watch for class. it's going to be depressing. my friend already bailed on me in watching it. frankly, i'm not in the mood to watch ppl strung out on drugs. and i'm pretty sure i don't wanna be a substance abuse counselor either.
[just in case you were wondering, my class is on substance abuse. now that we're on the same page...lol]
in the midst of all this, it's dawned on me that i don't like being alone. i like being alone, i just...don't like being alone. hang in there, i'll try to clear it up haha. i'm fine with being alone when i want to be. but when i don't want to be, i find it very hard to entertain myself. if i'm alone, and i don't want to be, i usually spend that time figuring out how NOT to be alone anymore.
sound familiar? oh, i guess not.
anywho, i don't know much about self-esteem, body image, and all that other jazz...but i'm pretty sure that in order to like yourself you should probably like being around yourself. if i may take a moment to be completely honest...i don't really like myself all that much. i haven't for as long as i can remember...
but every so often, i get a glimpse of what that will look like...how it will feel one day to finally accept me for who i am. flaws and all. one of those moments came today...as i danced in my apt to the credits of the movie i just finished.
i felt free, unbridled. not a care in the world. and even though i felt too tall, too fat, too ugly, and too uncoordinated when i started...towards the end, i felt ok.
ok is good. much better than not.
that's how i want to feel all the time, don't you?
i felt that way as i looked out from the top of the Gateway Arch...i was there this past week. idk what i have to do, but Lord...please help me to see me as you do.
Monday, July 5, 2010
it's gotta be...
man, Satan is crafty.
i mean, every day i struggle with living in this world but still following Christ. and trust, that's no easy task...
but today, especially, was a difficult day. i just...idk...kept rehearsing in my head how many times i haven't listened to Him or how many times i've given into my own desires when clearly it wasn't His will for me. so much so, that i eventually gave into one of those desires. and it was crazy, b/c it's not the same for me anymore. i don't get the same pleasure...
i don't even know why i do it anymore. but every time i do it, it kills me because i know how much it's killing Him. it's like every time i do it, i'm putting on a brick on the wall that separates us.
and this is why Satan is crafty. his main weapon against me...ISOLATION.
that's why i wasn't surprised how much i didn't wanna go to BiGroup tonight, why i didn't want to be around other believers. he knows that if i am isolated long enough, i'll end up there again. the place where i convince myself to destroy myself and he doesn't have to do the work anymore...
anyways, i went. the scripture of the night was Daniel 3...you know, the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. and the whole message was basically this: you can't worship two gods...you gotta make a choice. see, what most believers do...i'm definitely guilty of this...we continuously bow down to the idols of this world...
friends.
money.
success.
education.
sex.
beauty.
the list goes on...
when we bow down to these idols, we say "my heart's not in it" like that lie will nullify the act.
it doesn't.
it hasn't.
it never will.
that broke me. and i've been reminded of it, i just chose not to listen. but this time, i couldn't ignore it anymore.
i know God is with me in all this. i just don't know where He wants me to go from here. i realized that it's because i don't know Him like i should. but what i do know is that He loves me. and because of that love, that crazy-love, i don't want my relationship with Him to be one of allegiance.
i don't want to love Him out of fear of what He'll do to me if i don't.
i want to love Him because of what He's already done for me, even if He never does anything for me again.
He saved me from more than i can even put in words right now. if you think back, He's done the same for you too...
that's why, in order for me to stop bowing down to idols, it's gotta be more like falling in love.
with God.
i mean, every day i struggle with living in this world but still following Christ. and trust, that's no easy task...
but today, especially, was a difficult day. i just...idk...kept rehearsing in my head how many times i haven't listened to Him or how many times i've given into my own desires when clearly it wasn't His will for me. so much so, that i eventually gave into one of those desires. and it was crazy, b/c it's not the same for me anymore. i don't get the same pleasure...
i don't even know why i do it anymore. but every time i do it, it kills me because i know how much it's killing Him. it's like every time i do it, i'm putting on a brick on the wall that separates us.
and this is why Satan is crafty. his main weapon against me...ISOLATION.
that's why i wasn't surprised how much i didn't wanna go to BiGroup tonight, why i didn't want to be around other believers. he knows that if i am isolated long enough, i'll end up there again. the place where i convince myself to destroy myself and he doesn't have to do the work anymore...
anyways, i went. the scripture of the night was Daniel 3...you know, the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. and the whole message was basically this: you can't worship two gods...you gotta make a choice. see, what most believers do...i'm definitely guilty of this...we continuously bow down to the idols of this world...
friends.
money.
success.
education.
sex.
beauty.
the list goes on...
when we bow down to these idols, we say "my heart's not in it" like that lie will nullify the act.
it doesn't.
it hasn't.
it never will.
that broke me. and i've been reminded of it, i just chose not to listen. but this time, i couldn't ignore it anymore.
i know God is with me in all this. i just don't know where He wants me to go from here. i realized that it's because i don't know Him like i should. but what i do know is that He loves me. and because of that love, that crazy-love, i don't want my relationship with Him to be one of allegiance.
i don't want to love Him out of fear of what He'll do to me if i don't.
i want to love Him because of what He's already done for me, even if He never does anything for me again.
He saved me from more than i can even put in words right now. if you think back, He's done the same for you too...
that's why, in order for me to stop bowing down to idols, it's gotta be more like falling in love.
with God.
Friday, July 2, 2010
hulu & the friday night.
...i think the title explains it all.
wow...i never realized until now how much time i DON'T spend at home.
and since i don't have facebook (i.e. a cleverly disguised means of stalking ppl), i've been reduced to actually cleaning my apt. for those of you who know me in real life, you know that any time i'm bored and you ask me what i'm doing, the answer will always be "i'm cleaning my apt." yes, take note of that so you can save me next time...
anywho, in my very slow process of cleaning, i came across one of my old poetry journals. it brought back a lot of memories...mainly very dark, depressed, troubled ones...but memories, nonetheless. what it also showed me was how far i've strayed from writing. i used to get in a zone and i wouldn't come out until i was done...and voila, there on those pages would sit my heart beats. the songs of my soul.
man, i miss that feeling so much.
now, instead of letting myself flow, i get lost in the frantics of life. i hate that i let so much stuff suck the creativity out of my life...
i miss how alive i felt.
i crave that freedom again.
i long to hear my voice once more.
wow...i never realized until now how much time i DON'T spend at home.
and since i don't have facebook (i.e. a cleverly disguised means of stalking ppl), i've been reduced to actually cleaning my apt. for those of you who know me in real life, you know that any time i'm bored and you ask me what i'm doing, the answer will always be "i'm cleaning my apt." yes, take note of that so you can save me next time...
anywho, in my very slow process of cleaning, i came across one of my old poetry journals. it brought back a lot of memories...mainly very dark, depressed, troubled ones...but memories, nonetheless. what it also showed me was how far i've strayed from writing. i used to get in a zone and i wouldn't come out until i was done...and voila, there on those pages would sit my heart beats. the songs of my soul.
man, i miss that feeling so much.
now, instead of letting myself flow, i get lost in the frantics of life. i hate that i let so much stuff suck the creativity out of my life...
i miss how alive i felt.
i crave that freedom again.
i long to hear my voice once more.
Monday, June 21, 2010
it's a wizarding world out there.
only in college can you drive out of town at midnight just to stand in line to get into a theme park...
and that's exactly what i did this past weekend.
The Wizarding World of Harry Potter opened at Islands of Adventure this past Friday. now, i'm not a huge HP fan...more like a closet one, in fact...but i couldn't pass up this amazing, free, amazingly free opportunity! anyways, after very little sleep, no food or drink, 6 slightly warm hours, and 1 close encounter with a teenager and her Youtube video-making camera, we got into Hogwarts and Hogsmeade. because of all the crowds and overly excited people, we pretty much only had enough energy left to grab a cold mug of butterbeer before making it back our car.
great time though! i definitely be back...in about a year when the crowds have died down. :-\
Sunday, June 13, 2010
cupcakery and the events that followed...
so, i ended the first part of my summer semester last week. like the good counselors we are, we had our culminating experience...at a Japanese steakhouse! :-) then we went to this cute cupcake place in town. not the best cupcakes i've ever had, but they were still good...and the place was just so darn cute!
now, i'm not that old...(at least that's what older people keep telling me)...but i've been trying to break into the adult world since i'm a grad student. plus, i think that's the expectation. you know, become an adult and what not. anyways, some classmates and i went to a young professionals social one night. i won't lie, it was very awkward for me...perhaps for everyone there, since they were all drinking. heavily. i felt out of place, like i was at prom all over again. but once i stopped caring about what the blue tags (i.e. the people who were actually members of the organization...new ppl had red tags) thought of me, i started having fun! one drink, a few hors d'oeuvres, and 8 business cards later i left with my slightly tipsy friends to end a surprisingly fun evening. if only i knew what to do with all those business cards...
after a weekend of working, wedding shows, and NCIS, i'm left with nothing to do for a week or so. maybe operation: clutter-free should begin again...??? ehhh, i'll think about it...tomorrow :-)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
i don't own emotions, i rent.
so, i'm at work...and no one's walked into the office the entire time i've been here.
it's all good though.
my Rent station on Pandora is doing a great job of keeping me entertained. :-)
anyways, just thinking about how present God is in like everything! i know that's an obvious statement for some, but it's really starting to click for me now. idk...don't really have much else to say past that lol. just with starting this whole operation clutter-free stuff, getting more interested in research, trying to get involved in school...*sigh* without Him, i really don't see how i'll get any of it done.
it's no wonder i feel like i'm going insane sometimes...i can't do this, can't do life alone.
***sorry to cut this short, i have to actually work now ;-)
it's all good though.
my Rent station on Pandora is doing a great job of keeping me entertained. :-)
anyways, just thinking about how present God is in like everything! i know that's an obvious statement for some, but it's really starting to click for me now. idk...don't really have much else to say past that lol. just with starting this whole operation clutter-free stuff, getting more interested in research, trying to get involved in school...*sigh* without Him, i really don't see how i'll get any of it done.
it's no wonder i feel like i'm going insane sometimes...i can't do this, can't do life alone.
***sorry to cut this short, i have to actually work now ;-)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
spinning on your axis.
last night i came home, really discouraged...
especially because i thought i'd be done struggling with a certain issue.
but, clearly, i'm not.
and i couldn't help but think about some things...
am i really ready to let this go? what would that look like?
what would that mean for me?
am i holding myself back from being free???
then, like good humans do, i switched the blame to God.
i couldn't help but think that He'd never answer my prayer...
how unfair it feels to still be struggling.
Lord, you can perform miracles at the snap of a finger...why am i stuck here?!
yet, then i was reminded of some previous situations...times where i felt like i'd NEVER be free, NEVER be over it.
but look at me now...sure, it's another situation. that's life. however, those other problems...those "insurmountable" obstacles...i got passed them. so, the same will be the case for this one.
moral:
God moves...He definitely answers prayers.
sometimes it may not be what you want to hear.
and other times, it may be instantaneous.
but most of the time...you just have to be still enough to feel the shift.
especially because i thought i'd be done struggling with a certain issue.
but, clearly, i'm not.
and i couldn't help but think about some things...
am i really ready to let this go? what would that look like?
what would that mean for me?
am i holding myself back from being free???
then, like good humans do, i switched the blame to God.
i couldn't help but think that He'd never answer my prayer...
how unfair it feels to still be struggling.
Lord, you can perform miracles at the snap of a finger...why am i stuck here?!
yet, then i was reminded of some previous situations...times where i felt like i'd NEVER be free, NEVER be over it.
but look at me now...sure, it's another situation. that's life. however, those other problems...those "insurmountable" obstacles...i got passed them. so, the same will be the case for this one.
moral:
God moves...He definitely answers prayers.
sometimes it may not be what you want to hear.
and other times, it may be instantaneous.
but most of the time...you just have to be still enough to feel the shift.
hands clean.
"Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime"
for some reason...today, after how many times i've heard Alanis sing this...it reminds me of you.
idk why.
it reminds me of us. a torture i keep returning to.
i hurt you, i hurt myself. now we both have to live with the scars.
it takes everything in my power to not reach out again, just to pull back.
'cause i can't. i won't.
it got messy. then i washed my hands clean of it.
of you.
i regret the chosen path, but not the decision.
that still doesn't keep me from seeing you everywhere...
"We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"
"Hands Clean"
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime"
for some reason...today, after how many times i've heard Alanis sing this...it reminds me of you.
idk why.
it reminds me of us. a torture i keep returning to.
i hurt you, i hurt myself. now we both have to live with the scars.
it takes everything in my power to not reach out again, just to pull back.
'cause i can't. i won't.
it got messy. then i washed my hands clean of it.
of you.
i regret the chosen path, but not the decision.
that still doesn't keep me from seeing you everywhere...
"We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"
"Hands Clean"
Friday, May 21, 2010
it's rarely a great day for ice cream.
i really like my job at the ice cream shop.
no, really...i do.
i figured out why...
it gives me a break from thinking really. i'm not in charge, i'm not the leader...i just follow. and i'm ok with that.
but here's the problem...(there's always a problem, it seems like)
i get home, and i'm exhausted. or i have hw that i never do. or i miss hang outs with friends, and now they're asleep.
but the biggest problem of all is that, when it's all said and done...i come home to an empty house, with barely enough money to cover gas.
why am i working this job?
the more i weight my options, the more i think about quitting. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the opportunity. ppl would kill to have a job right now. but i have another one. and i still have to take out loans anyways...why run myself crazy if i STILL have to borrow money?
neways, i feel that decision is practically made.
*sigh* i'm so lonely...i just want someone to hold at night, someone to be there for me all the time. when am i gonna start my own romance...??? :'(
no, really...i do.
i figured out why...
it gives me a break from thinking really. i'm not in charge, i'm not the leader...i just follow. and i'm ok with that.
but here's the problem...(there's always a problem, it seems like)
i get home, and i'm exhausted. or i have hw that i never do. or i miss hang outs with friends, and now they're asleep.
but the biggest problem of all is that, when it's all said and done...i come home to an empty house, with barely enough money to cover gas.
why am i working this job?
the more i weight my options, the more i think about quitting. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the opportunity. ppl would kill to have a job right now. but i have another one. and i still have to take out loans anyways...why run myself crazy if i STILL have to borrow money?
neways, i feel that decision is practically made.
*sigh* i'm so lonely...i just want someone to hold at night, someone to be there for me all the time. when am i gonna start my own romance...??? :'(
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
operation clutter-free: day 1
how am i feeling right now? ...like my life is too complicated, too overwhelming to actually live it.
...that's kinda crazy, right?
i'm trying to breathe, trying to remain calm but this task seriously seems impossible!!! *sigh*
even still, i did the activities for chapter 1. i guess that's why i'm overwhelmed. i didn't know my life had so many aspects to it. anyone who says they're not that interesting or complicated is lying to you. simply breaking down my organization goals into 7 sections was eye-opening enough! i can't even imagine expanding the goals list to include other areas of my life...
Lord, what did i get myself into?
...that's kinda crazy, right?
i'm trying to breathe, trying to remain calm but this task seriously seems impossible!!! *sigh*
even still, i did the activities for chapter 1. i guess that's why i'm overwhelmed. i didn't know my life had so many aspects to it. anyone who says they're not that interesting or complicated is lying to you. simply breaking down my organization goals into 7 sections was eye-opening enough! i can't even imagine expanding the goals list to include other areas of my life...
Lord, what did i get myself into?
chaos under wraps.
so, anybody that knows me...basically, anybody who's ever been to my house lol...knows that K. Riley is not the neatest person in the world.
...(boy, is that an understatement)...
but quite frankly, i'm tired of the clutter. "a cluttered mind is a cluttered space." i believe that with every fiber of my being. i've prayed about it, and i believe God does answer prayers about stuff like this...but i think that He gave me a brain to realize that i need to start making some strides to working on this problem.
it's not the devil...he doesn't have me bound...
though, it definitely feels like it!
and i'm sure he has something to do with it too.
i just...i can't do it anymore. i've missed so many great opportunities this year, not even counting years in the past.
i shouldn't dread coming home, and only wanna sleep when i get here.
i shouldn't avoid home altogether b/c i can't stand being here.
i shouldn't cringe when people want to come visit...
i have dreams of having dinner parties, entertaining ppl, or just hanging out. and i wanna do all those things at MY place. no one elses. above all, i just wanna feel at home in my own home...
so i got The Complete Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. yea...in a short 400 pages, i shall be organized. i'm going to do a chapter a day, and hopefully get this ridiculous problem under control.
pray for me.
cry with me.
cheer me on.
Lord, be my strength! here we go...
...(boy, is that an understatement)...
but quite frankly, i'm tired of the clutter. "a cluttered mind is a cluttered space." i believe that with every fiber of my being. i've prayed about it, and i believe God does answer prayers about stuff like this...but i think that He gave me a brain to realize that i need to start making some strides to working on this problem.
it's not the devil...he doesn't have me bound...
though, it definitely feels like it!
and i'm sure he has something to do with it too.
i just...i can't do it anymore. i've missed so many great opportunities this year, not even counting years in the past.
i shouldn't dread coming home, and only wanna sleep when i get here.
i shouldn't avoid home altogether b/c i can't stand being here.
i shouldn't cringe when people want to come visit...
i have dreams of having dinner parties, entertaining ppl, or just hanging out. and i wanna do all those things at MY place. no one elses. above all, i just wanna feel at home in my own home...
so i got The Complete Idiot's Guide to Organizing Your Life. yea...in a short 400 pages, i shall be organized. i'm going to do a chapter a day, and hopefully get this ridiculous problem under control.
pray for me.
cry with me.
cheer me on.
Lord, be my strength! here we go...
Monday, May 3, 2010
fake.
at first, i just thought she was being stupid...but it didn't really bother me.
yet, little things kept coming up. i realized that she was intentionally avoiding me...
and that pissed me off!
now all i wanna do is vent, but NO ONE is responding to me. all i want is for someone to LISTEN.
...so often we blow people off or just assume that we know what they have to say.
funny how things come full circle. when the same thing happened to me at the hands of the same party, i couldn't understand how she could be acting so crazy. yet, i'm sitting here...fuming...struggling to not do the same thing.
we all just want to be heard. take the time to listen to someone before they don't want to say what they wanted to. and it's probably something you need to hear...
yet, little things kept coming up. i realized that she was intentionally avoiding me...
and that pissed me off!
now all i wanna do is vent, but NO ONE is responding to me. all i want is for someone to LISTEN.
...so often we blow people off or just assume that we know what they have to say.
funny how things come full circle. when the same thing happened to me at the hands of the same party, i couldn't understand how she could be acting so crazy. yet, i'm sitting here...fuming...struggling to not do the same thing.
we all just want to be heard. take the time to listen to someone before they don't want to say what they wanted to. and it's probably something you need to hear...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
things aren't always what they seem.
i should be asleep lol. actually, i was well on my way...
ok, not really.
but i was lying in bed.
all the while, just thinking...
i thought about how often we react to a situation and we don't know the whole story. even still, we wish we had the whole story...but wouldn't that alter our reality? would it really make things better, or just further complicate things...???
i contemplated this...as i still am...and i'm reminded of a particular experience.
one of my friends mentioned that she'd prayed for me during a specific time period. (this was a while back)
within a week, her prayers were answered. what she didn't know was that yea, a change did occur (thus providing her with an answer to her prayer). but what she didn't know about was the hell i had to go through to get to that point, that "answered prayer."
...all you see is the outcome (most times). you never really get to see "the process". or, if you do see or are experiencing "the process," you don't get to see how that affects someone else.
imagine if she hadn't listened to God...disobeying Him not only affects you. it affects those around you, those in constant contact with you, those you love.
moral of this rambling: only God will ever see the Big Picture.
why wouldn't you just trust Him to guide you in life?
ok, not really.
but i was lying in bed.
all the while, just thinking...
i thought about how often we react to a situation and we don't know the whole story. even still, we wish we had the whole story...but wouldn't that alter our reality? would it really make things better, or just further complicate things...???
i contemplated this...as i still am...and i'm reminded of a particular experience.
one of my friends mentioned that she'd prayed for me during a specific time period. (this was a while back)
within a week, her prayers were answered. what she didn't know was that yea, a change did occur (thus providing her with an answer to her prayer). but what she didn't know about was the hell i had to go through to get to that point, that "answered prayer."
...all you see is the outcome (most times). you never really get to see "the process". or, if you do see or are experiencing "the process," you don't get to see how that affects someone else.
imagine if she hadn't listened to God...disobeying Him not only affects you. it affects those around you, those in constant contact with you, those you love.
moral of this rambling: only God will ever see the Big Picture.
why wouldn't you just trust Him to guide you in life?
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