is this what "best" feels like?

how did I become so obnoxious?
what is it with you that makes me act like this?
i've never been this nasty...

"Plese Don't Leave Me"

seasons of love.

this was just so heavy on my heart this morning, i had to get it out...

right now, i'd say that i'm in the process of learning how to truly love people...MYSELF, my family, friends, strangers, even God. but all my interactions are beginning to feel so forced...i'm being more honest, but the rest of my life just feels so inauthentic. it makes me not want to hang around anyone. really, i just feel like fading away sometimes. was it all a lie? how do i know which relationships are for real, and which ones weren't? do i keep them all or do i let them go...is it even an all or nothing deal??? this is just one more thing i don't have an answer to...and it's frustrating...disheartening...but more than anything, it's just lonely.

i feel so...not like myself. and idk who i am or who i'm supposed to be......

thank you.

as i sit in the library during the final hours of my break before the craziness of the end of the semester kicks in, i felt the usual complaints bubbling to the surface:

"i'm hungry"
"why do i HAVE to study?"
"this is SO unfair, that i'm stuck in the library!"

...you get the picture. every college student has been through the same droning cycle. and trust me, we're good at it...the procrastination makes it flow like second nature. but this time, i stopped myself. it makes no sense for me to complain, cry "woe is me," and blah blah blah because at the end of the day, i still have to do it lol. instead, i chose to reflect on my thanksgiving break.

a few weeks ago i was looking back over my blog...i do that every so often, so i can see how my life has progressed...and let me tell you, it was depressing. some of the events i'd forgotten, while others were still engrained in my mind. since then, one of my prayers has been to God to help me stay mindful of the good times and His many blessings. these past few days definitely count as such! i went to visit family for thanksgiving, and i had such a great time! it started off kinda rocky, because of a whole ordeal with my sister...she ended up not being able to come this year. long story short, i was able to help her have thanksgiving dinner where she was. the biggest news was *drum roll please* I COOKED THANKSGIVING DINNER! and it was phenomenal :-D i can't take all of the credit...i had a great sous chef (i.e. my twin bro!) and the rest of the family made a dish or two as well. but i cooked the turkey!!! in the end, it was nothing super fancy, and really i felt like the meal was just "good," but i had an amazing time with my family. very little disagreements, some great conversations, even some dancing...seriously, it was magical. i ended the night talking to my best friend...we were able to laugh, swap turkey day stories, and just enjoy each other's company. even now, my heart swells just thinking about that day, and how God just blessed all throughout it as He does every day of the year. then the next day we had our annual Turkey Bowl! it was midnight bowling, and even though some of the fam punked out at the end (they were afraid i was going to beat them! hehe), it still was a lot of fun. :-)

in addition to remembering His blessings, i want to make sure i recognize them when they actually happen - basically, to always have God at the forefront of my mind, and to not attribute anything to happenstance, especially when i know He's the one calling all the shots ALL the time. i'm good at seeing the bad in situations...so i'm also praying that i can learn to see the good just as easily! anyways, i got a really good opportunity to practice this towards the end of my break. i was on my way to see The Muppets (don't judge, you know you want to see it too) when my window broke! it didn't shatter...it just wouldn't roll up (it's a power window). not a big deal, except it wouldn't stay up and thus made it really easy for someone to come steal my car haha of course i wasn't a happy camper...i REALLY wanted to see The Muppets. i found myself getting really sad and going into the whole "why does this stuff happen to ME" spiel until something (i believe it was God) caused me to stop and change my thinking. i started wondering what was the good in the situation, and it dawned on me. Not only was i financially able to get it fixed, but they had the part in stock, it would be cheaper than if i had to get it done back at school, AND i was able to get it fixed that evening! not to mention, it didn't break while i was on the highway!!

who knows why i needed to stay in town longer...it could be for the reasons i listed or something else. maybe it was simply for me to learn this lesson. either way, it was an interesting end to an awesome time with family and friends.

and i couldn't be more thankful for that :-)

a different tune.

when will my story have a bright side? that i don't have to look back over old blogs or through filled journals, down a memory lane cratered with potholes and loose gravel?

when do i get my happy "ending?"

coming undone.

it's weird to be going through this process while slowly becoming aware of what's going on. i've known for a while about a number of my "addictions," but the greatest of them all seems to be approval. i run to other people--especially my friends--about any- and everything. about what i should do, eat, wear, whatever. i chase the world's standard of excellence just to prove myself successful for people i barely even care about. yet i never once consult God. until things go wrong, or at least after i've tried to fix them and that hasn't worked. my self-esteem, my worth, and my feelings are attached to everything but what matters: who I am in Christ. stuff like my "addictions," but i'm also learning that it can be good things too...service, school/work, best friends, working out. take your pick.

basically, if He's not number 1, whatever is before Him is an idol (i.e. very very bad). in these last couple of weeks He's been ripping each and every one of those idols away. literally, that's exactly how it feels...if my soul could bleed, i'd be dead. that should be a good thing, right? except, it's just left me in a very empty, life-draining place.

i know this is for the best, that i'll be better off in the long run...at least that's what i keep trying to tell myself, hoping that it'll ease some of this pain. there's just a lot of doubt...and even more loneliness. Lord, i've never known loneliness like this before (and i pray i get all the necessary lessons so i never have to again). i wish i had someone to talk to, but even if there was someone, i don't know that i could or would say anything.

i don't know how i'm going to make it through this...this...cleansing. or this semester. i'm not even sure how i'm going to make it through tomorrow. i find myself having to rely on God more and more each day.

...and i have a hunch that He wants it that way.

speechless.

over these last few months, i would say i've become pretty good at throwing pity parties. not my proudest moment, but a fact nonetheless...

it's been a pretty rough week, so a "woe is me" fest was inevitable...tonight just ended up being the lucky winner. after my laptop froze, followed by a number of computer malfunctions at the library, i was pushed over the edge and full-on pity broke loose! for me, it takes many forms; blame (at God, and anyone else in the line of fire) and depression made an appearance. not being able to snap myself out of my funk (and i needed to, because my presentation is in the morning!), i called my bestie for some motivation. in actuality, i was just hoping she'd feel sorry for me and join the pity party. boy was i wrong!

she basically called me out on my stuff! like, i know i have this crazy obsession with being liked by everybody, being seen as very intelligent, and needing to be perfect (i.e. never make a mistake). in this scenario, i have this imagine of me being a super counselor, and never needing help with anything or struggling with a client, and blah blah blah (you get my point). i never really thought of it as an ego trip. but that's exactly what it was...what it's always been. i've been approaching all of my counseling training with the mindset of "how much training can i acquire;" "what skills can i master;" etc. at the end of the day, instead of looking to God to guide me in each and every one of my sessions, i was focused on me and what i could do for my clients. ultimately, it all boils down to my incessant need for control. i still have no idea where that came from...but essentially, me stressing and worrying about every single thing i say and do as a counselor is saying that God isn't big enough or powerful enough to make those things work out for good. every time i sought praise or glory for anything (def as a counseling student), it has been because i wanted the approval of my peers and my professors/supervisors--not because i was allowing God to work through me, then giving Him the glory for working it out. it snatched control out of His hands and put it right back into mine. that always seems like the best thing to do, yet for some reason it never works... :-/

man, i wasn't even trying to get that kind of mental beatdown tonight...but it was what i NEEDED to hear...

the more my friend talked, the more i couldn't speak. i'm sure at that point my friend thought i was weird for texting her what was going on for me. but literally, i could not say a word. it wasn't because i didn't think i couldn't speak. it felt more like an act of reverence. i felt such a strong presence (i'm assuming it was God), that all i could do was just speaking. even "noise" in my head that had been plaguing me all night stopped too. surprisingly enough though, there was no guilt, no shame, no condemnation with it. that's what usually happens when i feel convicted by a Word from God. but honestly, it was more God just placed His hand over my mouth! lol like God was saying, "Kertesha, please be quiet so you can actually hear Me for once!"

i thought all of the "noise" that's been clouding my mind lately was just Satan trying to mess me up (don't get me wrong, it definitely was him too), or that even when i was praying about the "noise," that the praying was a good thing. but now i realize that it may have just added to the "noise," and not really done me any good at all. over and over my prayer has been "Lord, speak to me"... followed by my griping and complaining about not being able to hear Him...

this has definitely been eye-opening for me. it still feels like i'm just getting more and more rules to follow, but no explanation on how actually do any of them! but, for now, the main thing i'm hoping to get out of this experience is that i become more aware of when i need to speak and when i need to just shut my mouth lol.

security blanket.

it's been a very slow start on this new journey of me working on a deeper relationship with God. i mean, "tortoise and the hare" type slow. it's killing me!!! and at times it feels like that literally :-/ God's been showing me some things this week...and i'm so grateful for that because i was really desperate for something, ANYTHING (good) to hold onto. i really needed to know that He was hearing my plea to hear from Him, and He came through right when i needed Him the most. Yet, this morning when i was doing some reading, my attention kept drifting to a number of things--i sum them up as being a "super Christian." i found myself thinking about people i think of as being super in tune with God, who read their bibles like 25 hours a day, people who are so nice, never seem to be sad or depressed (and even when they are, they STILL can praise God). that's not me...it's never been me...and i feel like that's evidence of how i've failed every single test God has ever put me through. now, in my head, i realize that no human can be perfect...but it doesn't really stop me from believing that i can strive for it. i stopped reading my bible for a moment, and this came to me: the reason i work so hard to be perfect (or at least hold myself to that standard) is because i'm trying to be "good enough" to erase my past mistakes. this might be a duuuuhhhhhhhhhh moment for you, but for me it was disheartening. it seems like an endless cycle that i keep coming back to, and that constant reminder keeps catapulting me back into the cycle! it was interesting because this was something that had come up for me 2 other times in the past week! AND from 2 different/unrelated sources, nonetheless. so often i seek perfection (whether that's in school, at work, in my spiritual work, in relationships, etc.), and either i don't do anything because i'm afraid to be wrong, or i beat myself up when i make a mistake. i'm never able to be happy, content, or truly enjoy the present because it never lives up to the image of perfection i'm chasing after.

needless to say, i was close to beating myself up once again. then i remembered a scripture i read earlier in the week--Ephesians 2:8-9. Basically it says that we're saved through faith in Him, and that there isn't anything we can do for it; it's purely a gift from God. so why am i working for something that's already been given to me???

...i wasn't aware that i'd been living in so much bondage. i mean, i knew about some of it...but i had no clue how deep it ran. on some level, i still feel like there's more to be uncovered! :-/ it's so daunting, so draining...no wonder i dissociate so much (zone out). but that's something else i'm praying about too. i can't work on/get help on a problem if i'm not fully aware of what it is or i don't stay present long enough to actually do the work. that's partly what i did in the scenario from earlier...i literally have to stop myself, say out loud "i realize that i'm thinking about _______, but right now i'm focusing on __________ and can't think about that right now." it's easy to just clock out, but i don't want easy anymore. it's only made things worse to some degree...

which brings up something else for me. i'm starting to not want to interact with people. i love reading and understanding God through His word, and i want more time to do that. but even more so, hanging around my friends, other Christians, non-believers...EVERYBODY...makes me anxious. :-/ i'm afraid to mis-apply what i'm learning, or tell someone something that's wrong, or just getting mixed up all over again (like undoing everything that i working on when i'm by myself). sounds like the perfection kicking in again? yea...that's what i thought......

with all that said (i know it was a mouthful! lol), and as slow as this walk is going (i'm probably not even walking yet...i think i'm just starting to crawl), i'm choosing to go at the pace God is leading me. i'm choosing to trust that i'm where i need to be, and even though my faith is small, it's still faith. and therefore i'm saved, i'm a new person in Christ, and He loves me unconditionally!

blind.

*sigh* this week...i can't even begin to explain how crazy this week as been for me. but that's another blog for another time. i won't be long, but i just felt like i needed to share this...

in the midst of a breakdown like i've never experienced before, i came across Psalm 38. even now, i'm not sure how i even found it...but i'd always heard that you should read your bible when you're going through rough times, for encouragement(and even lately, that's the message i'd been getting from a number of people). so i decided to give it a shot. i mean, it couldn't hurt right?

randomly, i found Psalm 38. and as i began to read it, almost immediately i began crying. after having cried for almost 2 days, i didn't think i had it in me. but, there was something about this psalm from David that really touched. i completely got where he was coming from...it was exactly how i was feeling in that moment, how i had been feeling for so long apparently. idk why, but after reading it, i felt better...not great, just better. it was like all i was looking for was to be understand. to not feel like i was the ONLY person in the world who'd ever felt that way, felt so dirty...not wanting God to be disappointed or hate me...felt like i was beyond help..and just feeling like i was crying out to God about all of this, but in vain.

well, this morning, i happened to come back to it while looking for another verse. my bible has headings throughout the chapters... part way through this psalm (between verses 14 and 15), i saw the phrase "God is not far away." when i read this like maybe a day or 2 ago, i'd completely missed this! that realization made me think about how many other times we miss God because we're looking for so many other things. sometimes it's because we're so busy in life, we just overlook His grace and mercy altogether...but then there are other times that life's circumstances also prevent us from seeing Him, even when He's right next to us.

that's why you have to constantly be seeking Him. trust me, i'm speaking to myself at this point too. i only saw that He was "not too far away" when i actually took time to look around for Him. it's easy to get lost in this world, to get overrun with school, work, life, to feel like you're drowning and that you're too far down to be saved. but it isn't true! make time each day to look for God around you...in the bible, in nature, in other believers, in your circumstances--good or bad. because He's there...just waiting for you to notice.

this could be something that you already know, but i hope it served as a reminder. :-)

am i?

well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
but she can't shake the feeling
that it's not true tonight

she knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and so she'll try to do better
but then she's too weak to try

but don't you know who you are?

"You Are More"

unfinished.

i left.
left as fast as my fear could carry me.
not knowing if i'd ever return.
i know you think it's easy for me to turn and run
having done it before, there's really
nothing left to learn
but the pain of not being here still burns
in my chest
at least the void's filled with something right?
and yet, i'm still afraid
that fear takes up even more space inside
and i'm afraid that terror is evident with every blink of my eyes
as the tears stream out, suffocating each breath
my lungs supply
i'm afraid, you see, because i'm unsure of where my loyalty lies
and with all the thoughts
and all the feelings
i'm afraid of being betrayed by what lies inside
my mind
so i left.
and i don't know when i'll be back
as each moment passes i still wonder
did i do good this time,
did i make the right choice?
or am i making things worse for the sake
of gaining my voice...?

autopilot.

i'm getting sucked in...i can't silence the noise...i'm afraid i'm getting lost in the thoughts. when i think about it all, i only get more questions. if i answered the questions, i'd only hurt more...long more...strike out, do more damage...
i wish there was more i could say, or do, or make sense of...but like my friend said, when i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, i'll change.
...i guess i'm not there yet?

all i know how to do is go numb.
it's different this time...i'm okay with it. i know other ways to survive, but this mode seems to be the only one that's working...

i'm holding on, trying to make it to the end...but what exactly is that? or, better yet, will i ever even make it there?

will i want to...???

two steps back.

i can't shake the insanity that's rattling around in my head. the harder i try, the louder it gets. and this time...idk if it's worse...but it's definitely more complex. more confusion. more frustrating. just...more.

it's draining the life out of me, and i have no energy to fight it. how do i pray about this...whatever it is? b/c i have no clue. and if God knows, He hasn't quite clued me in yet. so i don't pray...

i don't understand this...how can i explain it to anyone else??? so i'll just keep silent. and i guess i'll continue to fake it til i make it...or it kills me.

...w/e comes first.

joy in the morning.

i'm not joyful this morning (and no, it's not because i've been up since 4:30am...though i'm sure that didn't help much lol). unfortunately, the answer isn't that simple. this week has been really up and down for me. i know it's probably because i went home this weekend. being around my family always sets me back a few steps. :-/ this time was crazier though...not in content, but in my emotional response. that's really all i'm going to say about it, b/c it's still a touchy subject for me. it just didn't really make sense why i got so riled up by what normally just annoys me. that, coupled with getting started in my clinical work and more conversations with B, has left me feeling so drained, so emotionally spent. it just really seems like the more i try to follow God, the more i'm learning about what it truly means to be a Christian and trying to start living that out in my life, the more difficult things are getting. now i realize that Satan doesn't like when we choose to follow God, but i really never FELT how serious he is about dragging us to destruction. i remember when i first came to this realization (in my shower lol)...i was so angry about it! i mean, how dare he?! so much of my time used to be spent being depressed, thinking negative thoughts, then subsequently spending hours (for sometimes days at a time) crying about x, y, and z. this happened A LOT! and so you can imagine how much time i allowed Satan to steal from me (key phrase: I ALLOWED). that was such a shocking revelation for me, and i thanked God immediately for helping me change my ways and for opening my eyes to the destruction i was blind to for so long. everything should be good after that, right?

yea...you know the answer. it wasn't.

if anything, things feel like they got worse! now more than ever i definitely agree with the phrase "i don't own emotion, i rent." feelings are so fickle...and a lot of times i place so much emphasis and power on them, maybe that's one of my problems...maybe i shouldn't be relying on them so much? i digress...really, in all of the things i've been thinking about/struggling with this week (family issues, self-esteem, academics, career path, etc.), it all comes back to feeling abandoned by God. i desperately try not to blame Him, but right now i feel lost b/c i can't hear Him...i have no clue where He wants to lead me...and i feel frustrated b/c it all seems like one big test and He won't reveal anything to me. :-( the bible makes no sense in how it applies to my life, outside of not murdering people and not lying. where's the scripture on what career to choose? or what to eat for dinner? who to talk to, who to be friends with, what to activities to participate in?! these are the things i need answers to...and somehow, i only seem to be getting more questions. all of this has scared me into stagnation... i feel...stuck :'(

anyways i say all of this to say i still don't feel the joy. idk when i will...but i'm choosing to NOT let my feelings guide my path anymore. i know joy is going to come, and that God isn't going to leave me hanging (Psalm 16:11) it kills me that i don't know where He's leading me just yet! lol but i'm praying for patience and trusting that He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

new glasses.

today i went to the eye doctor. seems harmless enough, right? yea...not so much. some of you may be aware of this, but for the last couple of weeks i've been semi-stressing about this appointment. after undergoing a makeshift eye test with one of my friends (VERY makeshift...letters written on a white piece of paper, taped to the wall kind of makeshift :-P), i confirmed a dreaded realization: my eyesight was fading.

curse you, grad school and your incessant need for me to be reading or typing something at least 21 hours a day.

so, begrudgingly, i made an appointment. long story short, yep you guessed it...i need glasses. at first, not at all happy about this, i pouted to anyone who would listen. i didn't know this about myself, i kinda prided myself on never needing glasses. and while i absolutely adore them...i only adore them on other people apparently! lol surprisingly though, as i was thinking about writing this post, me needing glasses wasn't the most salient thing for me about this entire process. if anything, how i felt throughout the exam seems to be the driving force behind this post.

for anyone who's ever had an eye exam, you know the drill. for me, this is the first time i've had one since i was little, and subsequently, i did not remember what actually went on in one. so i was a little taken aback with it all. especially the eye drops. my dilated eyes coupled with the lenses helped me see so well! who knew i could actually see letters from what i thought were tiny, blurry blobs!!! haha :-P this made me elated but also very anxious because not only did i not expect my eyes to respond that way (during the dilation), it made me realize how much i've probably missed in the past BECAUSE i thought i was seeing clearly...

with all the changes that have occurred this summer, i am starting to trust God more and--in turn--He's helping me see things clearer than i ever have before. but that's also really scary for me. actually, terrifying is probably a better word! in that clarity i'm starting to see just how much i haven't been following Him or relying on Him to lead me, instead of taking situations into my own hands. even more so, i'm seeing that some things i hold near and dear will have to be cut from my life--people, things i watch/listen to, ways of doing things, etc. where i go from here, or what my life will look like, is unknown to me...but what i'm learning is that God has a plan for me to be amazing and not for me to fail or be in a bad place (Jeremiah 29:11).

and so i continue on this journey of truly letting go and letting God have His way.

venom.

it's been a while since i've written. as always, i'm really trying to get consistent with my writing...whether it's journaling, blogging, or poetry. but somehow i feel as though that'll be an ever-present thorn in my side :-)

anyways, since the last time i wrote, i've turned a whole year older! happy birthday to yours truly :-) i still feel the same, and life is still just as confusing as it was before. more and more i feel like my days are filled with things that aren't making me happy, or i'm constantly running around and focused on others and at the end of the day i have no energy to focus on myself. my time is spent on so many meaningless tasks, that my days are ticking away and i have nothing to show for them...

i haven't finished a lot of things they way i've wanted to, you know...feeling so proud of what i did. i used to be the person one step ahead of the curve. now i struggle to maintain status quo. and that's NOT me...nowhere near it. i'm praying desperately for that to change (amongst a ton of other things). *sigh* it just seems like the more i try to do what God wants me to do, or what I think He wants me to do, things get more and more crazy in my head. i know the alternative isn't better...i want to spend eternity with Him...but can i get a small inkling that i'm on the right track?

will this EVER get any easier, or at least more enjoyable???

coming home.

so, this summer...since apparently i'm not taking classes (not entirely by choice *curse you, UF budget cuts*)...i've decided to really work on myself.

really cliche, right? yea...i know. but bear with me for a sec. you see, one of the biggest lessons i've learned is that i'm excellent at helping others work through their stuff (hence, my chosen field...counseling :-P) but i'm horrible at practicing what i preach. :-/ i do believe that God orders our steps, already has a plan for each of our lives...i really do. BUT i also believe that He expects to step out in faith and walk along the path He's created for us.

long story short, i really want to spend the summer working on some things i've spent so much time running from. in less than a month i'll be 24...and while i don't think that's old, i do think it's too long for me to still be struggling with some of the these things. i want to grow even deeper in my relationship with God; i want to really work on my writing...i'm determined to have a book published before i graduate next year; i want to learn to work through my emotions instead of eating them/pushing them down/ignoring them; i want feel like i'm not behind in my academics for once! above all, i just want to get to a place where i'm ok with myself...things always change, but my overall core...i want to be ok with that person.

*sigh* i'm scared. really scared. and SUPER doubtful & hesitant about the whole process. lucky for me, one of the things i'm working on is trust lol so i will trust that God has planned for me to be at this point...coming up on summer with no plans as to what i will be doing, no money, & no energy left to figure out anything... :'(

wow...that really just hit me. Jesus, are you listening? now would be an excellent time for some writing on the wall...

death of a daydream.

you flew in on a dream...
and in that moment
with a mere glimpse of you
it was easy to get caught up in what ifs
and swept away with I do's
in you flew
swiftly and fiercely
through the hallows of my mind
plundering my will and the time
I had to spend on the Gifts
blooming around and in me
instead
you flew in on a dream and left the same
and until happenstance brings
your return again
parallel our lives will remain.

more time, please.

it's been a while since i've written to you all. things have been crazy, and i've fallen behind in a lot of things...which brings me to the topic of this blog: time management.

i just left a time management workshop tonight. i was hoping she had some quick tips to help me reverse my horrible procrastination habits and fix my poor time management so that i could actually get everything done to the best of my ability...AND that i could enjoy it while i was doing it. turns out there aren't any fast and hard tips(ugh, are you serious?!). she helped me realize that not only would changing my ways take time but it would involve me figuring out what i wanted, what my priorities are, and moving forward from there. i also realized that a lot of my time is spent dodging my feelings, unpleasant situations, etc. if i just took time on the front end to deal with w/e comes my way instead of using MORE time and energy to avoid it, then i'd have better mental health and more time on my hands! great realization, right?

ehh...kinda. :-/

here's the thing. now that i'm actually paying attention to my thoughts, my emotions, and all that stuff, i feel a whole lot worse a whole lot of the time!!! i mean, ignorance definitely wasn't bliss...but it felt a heck of a lot better than being hyper-aware of every. single. emotion. i feel on a daily basis. in spite of this reality, i really want to begin intentionally working on some of the things that are holding me back...family issues, self-esteem issues, dealing with past mistakes...so that these aren't problems that prevent me from moving forward and being the awesome person God made me to be.

of course, you'll be along for this journey...i hope you're ready :-)

p.s. my "Running Through Life" campaign kinda lost it's fizzle lol but it hasn't completely been dropped. look out for the post about that!

v-day.

if you've been following my blog...as i'm sure you have been :-)...you would know that i was not looking forward to this day. as i'm sure is the case for most single people...

i woke up after not getting a lot of restful sleep, only to have to cram some more for my 9:30am exam. then i was bummed because my mom convinced me to make cupcakes for my class (*ahhh* takes me back to making valentines for my classes in middle school...), only to find out that i didn't have any eggs! :-( lol i still love my mom though...she tried to make me feel better afterwards :-P despite my funky, cranky mood, the day took a surprising turn for the better. i got some yummy Mickey D's oatmeal...i did okay on my exam...got to talk to my best friend (she ALWAYS brightens my day) AND my BC love (i miss her so much!).

BUT! nothing tops what happened after that...I WENT TO SEE THE JUSTIN BIEBER MOVIE!!!! now, you might be ready to stop following me (please don't do that), but the movie was actually good, i kid you not. JB is a legit musician, and the director did a good job of incorporating footage of his life growing up and what his performances are like. seriously, if you aren't a fan now...you can't help but be one after you leave the theater. i'm just sayin :-)

anyways, i say all this to let you all out there know...being single does suck. and i would have loved to have had a valentine's date. but simply sharing love with your friends and family can make it a lot more bearable.

<3

walking alone.

as i parked my car and began walking towards a long night of studying (better known as the library), i got this overwhelmingly feeling that i was walking but i was lost and would never reach my destination. now, of course, this was figurative b/c i've walked to the library a million times and tonight was no different...i sit in the library now.

yet i felt this way intensely in the figurative sense. i feel this way now. before grad school, i had clear goals in mind. my future planned out at least 10 years forward. mind you, it was somewhat off track (like how i'm not married to my 7th grade crush lol)...but i could see ahead, no problem. this is different. i feel like i'm working and working towards something that i'm not sure even exists.

...this doesn't apply just to my future occupation, but in many areas of my life...like my love life. it's no surprise to me that this is plaguing my mind currently. aside from not wanting to study, it's also the eve of a day entirely devoted to showering your significant other with your undying, unconditional love. it's suffocating. i can't talk to anyone, b/c i just keep hearing "oh, it's better to be single...at least you haven't had to deal with break-ups." yea, being too unattractive is not as bad as just getting hooked up with the wrong guy. right...

so where does that leave me? oh yea, living vicariously through the rest of the world. celebrities. my classmates. even my own family. when will it be my turn??? over and over in my head i keep playing this chorus..."delight in me". and each time it brings tears to soul. i want God to be proud of what i'm doing, where my life is headed. my family too. but just as much, i wanna share this life WITH someone. not be doomed to walk it alone forever. i just can't see it...idk if any of it will ever be true.

i can't make promises for tomorrow, but at least for now...the pity party won't start. back to the books.

"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

gardening.

it's been a long week...school is really getting to me, and that's not looking good for the rest of the semester. to top off my long week, after a very interesting weekend, a presentation i was supposed to give ended up being cancelled. that plus being on the receiving end of a lot of harsh emotions really brought my fun wknd to a screeching halt. in all the situations i felt like my time had been wasted and i felt very rejected...like i wasn't worth the consideration that "hmm...maybe this might hurt K's feelings" so in the midst of being frustrated and getting all geared up for a good cry, i thought about Jesus (which is a new concept for me b/c usually i just have a pity party). as His followers we're called to spread the Good News and introduce ppl to Christ's amazing love. sometimes you see them accept Christ into their lives, and maybe ur even blessed to have them thank you for showing them the way. but most times, you get "nothing"...that convo at Starbucks or that really deep debate you have after class may only serve to peak someone's interest. in essence, you're only planting a seed...someone else has the duty, the PURPOSE of watering it, feeding it, etc.

with all that said, i'm open to finding my purpose. b/c of tired of feeling like i'm wasting time, and i'm tired of getting upset b/c i don't get acknowledged for watering the plant when really all i was supposed to do is plant the seed. idk what my purpose is...i'm not entirely sure how i'm gonna find out what it is either lol but i'm going to pray...going to keep praying. and keep running. things aren't always easy...they definitely aren't the best right now, but i'm going to trust God to show me the way.

starting over.

over the last couple of days, i've been in a very...idk...weird mood. i'm still not sure exactly what i've been feeling. i guess a good description would be unbalanced. paying attention to my feelings is a relatively new concept for me. i know, that sounds odd...most people can identify their feelings, then act on them appropriately. i on the other hand have difficulty identifying them, so i act on them...yes, you guessed it...inappropriately. but i digress...

anywho, long story short, i'm still not quite sure what i'm feeling when i actually feel it. because of this, i've been in a funky mood for about a week...unable to determine if i'm happy, sad, mad, anxious...i just don't know. what i do know is that i've been thinking a lot about things that i've struggled with in the past, and about things that i still struggle with. after all that, i figured out how i felt...extremely discouraged. that heightened this morning as i tried to resume my daily running/exercising. it was like day 1 all over again. it was disheartening to not even be able to make it through half of the run...so i just ended up walking the rest of the way. then i heard a song by Addison Road. this part of the song stood out the most to me...

even when your heart's been broken
He'll be there with arms wide open
be strong and His love will lead you
to fight another day

now, the song didn't make my walk any easier...and it definitely didn't erase my mind the things i'd been thinking about. yet it did do something...it renewed my faith in the idea that things may be difficult now, but they won't always be that way. i have faith that God will help me through this. like someone said on a prayer call a few days ago..."faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you THROUGH trouble."

so i'm gonna continue pressing through. and whatever you're dealing, know that God will be there to help you through it too...even if things seem impossible.

remember, always keep running. <3

week 2, day 1.

today's run was ok. i stopped 2 times during the middle, but i pushed through and finished the last run today. i was happy about that :-) i definitely have to not slack so much on the weekend because it was hard getting up this morning! lol

it's short, sweet, and to the point today...gotta run! [no pun intended :-P]

until l8r, keep running. <3

week 1, day 3.

DONE with week 1!!! i'm so excited because i actually feel better than i did at the beginning of the week! :-0 who woulda thunk it? :-P it was freezing...but i still managed to drag myself out for the run lol i'm hoping running in this cold weather will help me in the long run. you know, by it being difficult to breath and what not now, i'll be able to breath easier while running come spring. keep your fingers crossed though haha.

on top of getting this running routine on and poppin, i'm still working on creating an efficient morning routine as well. if i'm gonna be up so early in the morning, i wanna get a lot of stuff done during the day so i'm free to pass out at night! going to bed so early makes me feel like i'm missing stuff :-( but let me tell you, when my head hits the pillow...i'm out like a light. it's a beautiful thing!

even still, all of this feels good. it's challenging, don't get me wrong. but it feels...idk...right. like i'm not forcing myself to do something i'm not ready for. i've prayed and prayed for transformations in so many areas of my life...well, in ALL of them...and it's finally happening.

not HOW i expected.
not WHEN i expected.
but at the RIGHT time.

God, you're awesome. and i hope you all out there get to experience His awesomeness too. anyways, i'm off to continue my day...

until l8r, keep running. <3

week 1, day 2.

i'm pumped!
well, at least in the figurative sense i am lol.

i'm excited because i finished my 2nd workout and i didn't feel like dying as much as i did day ! hahaha i think the going to bed at 10 instead of 11 helped TREMENDOUSLY (props to Betsy K. for the suggestion...she's the coolest chick EVER! i love her so much :-) ) anyways, so i went to the track but ROTC was practicing...side note: i've been into military men lately, idk why. we'll have to discuss that in another blog hehe...sooooo i had to find an alternate route to run along. actually though, i liked it much more than going in circles around the track. i saw more people and more scenery, plus there was a lot more traffic...meaning (hopefully) i was a little safer than running by myself.

i've noticed that i'm not quite sure what my body is saying when it does certain stuff. so i'm still trying to learn what's a "normal" sound/feeling/action/etc. and what's not. i'm trying to get healthy and lose weight, but i wanna do it the right way so that i don't hurt myself worse in the long run. plus, i want this to be something i can do for years to come. you know, a lifestyle change...not just a 5-day new year's resolution.

until l8r, keep running. <3

week 1, day 1.

i felt ok as i woke up this morning at 6am.
i still felt ok as i drove, in the dark, to the track.
i even still felt ok after my brisk 5 min walk and the beginning of my jogging.
it wasn't until i finished that 4th min of running that i realized something.
...this is going to be harder than i expected.

i'd ran this day 1 a million times in my head (ok, maybe i'm exaggerating a little...lol). my point is, i saw day 1 going a little different than what it actually did. i wasn't bad, i'm just SUPER tired! i feel out of balance, kinda sore, and (yep, i'm going there) like quitting...

and now i know why there's a day in between runs :-/ that's ok, i'm still on track...RTL 2011.

until l8r, keep running. <3

2011.

1.1.11

today begins a new year in the like of K. Riley. Of course there is much thought about the future, about what fresh exciting things this new year holds. But there's also some hesistation because of what the past turned out to be...

It may be a surprise to some, but 2010 proved to be a very trying year for me. Sparing you the details (and me, the agony of reliving it all), thinking about the past year brings tears to my eyes and pain to a wounded heart. Yet even as u write this, and as the minutes run down on the first day of this new year, I find courage and strength in knowing that in Christ, the old is gone and all things are made new (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Idk what God has in store for me this year. But I think I'm finally at a place where I am ready to listen to Him. My past still pains me now, but I truly believe God will use those experiences to help someone else. I think He already is...but more on that later :-)

until l8r, keep running. <3